For A New Beginning - by John O'Donahue

In out of way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never seem to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desires,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety,
And the grey promise that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent.
Wondering would you always live like this?

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A patch of plentitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear,
You can trust the promise of this opening,
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning,
That is one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure; hold nothing back,
Learn to find ease in risk,
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

I can't shake this....

i sometimes wonder if i'm not manic depressive - or bi-polar. It seems like i'm either in a really good place, or a really bad one...mentally. I'm sure real bi-polar disorder is much more dramatic in regard to the actual swings. I'm stressed right now. Whatever it is that is causing my bone marrow testing to come back abnormal is still a mystery...and wondering what kind of evil is living in my body, wrecking havoc, is making me a bit nuts. Throwing off my balance, my zen, my perspective and my entire will to stay on track. I've never done anything half-assed...and i guess that follows me in my negative habits too! (Obviously! Ha!) So while I'm feeling cruddy, I figure why the heck should I try and feel good. I've been trying to kick this for so long now, and now my body is officially proving there is something wrong with it via these lab results...that it seems i've just sort of resolved to be ill. In every way. Dumb, i realize, but true.

i'm sorry I'm so Debbie Downer. Believe it or not, it does help me realize patterns and triggers when i write, so this is more for me than anyone else. I hope i don't cause anyone harm along the way though.
xx t

my weirdness

And he calls it just that. says he loves me despite my weirdness, even though i don't...most of the time. it has gotten tons better - but is always lurking, poking at me, trying to pull me back in. And trying to relay the kinds of feelings that happen when you introduce big gianormous food-related holidays to a recovering ED-like person...is just horrid. No one gets it...unless you're a bird of the flock. I mean some TRY, and others irritate the fuck out of me while they (so call "try"). LOL

DISCLAIMER: I should probably say right now that i'm in a bad state of mental being and have been regressing mentally due to some "arguments" with people i love about ED. You are hereby warned that this commentary is/may be triggering and negative.

Yeah, the other people....and trying to explain it to them. Well.....that plain just sucks.
its bad enough we have to live it...let alone try and explain our severely-fucked-up-ness. yeah....shame is the first thing that comes to mind. "Hey, just when you thought i was cool...you know, a strong, motivated, intelligent, hip, kind of girl..."
you find out about it. the FLAW. The weirdness. The disease. A mental disease, i should add.
Ha! Am i smelling like a rose? NO sir-ee.
And for me, that's when the pull comes. Calling me back, luring me into its web...cuz if i have to describe myself as such, then i must be. and if i'm not that anymore, then who the hell am i? ya know?
I know, it's stupid. Really really lame, and shallow and ignorant and weak and yeah...a sort of self-wallowing pity party, isn't it?
It makes me SICK. How about you? Speaking of which...since i already feel sick and weak and ashamed, well then, i might as well BE sick and weak! Ya know, for old times sake. Or not? Well, maybe just this once. I mean really....who would know? Besides me.
But yeah, there's me. I would know. And now i've gone and told every (mostly non-existent) person in Blogland. Well FUCK ME! Look what you went and DID!
(yes i know that's improper english, folks. we're over-achievers remember? super smart for the most part!)
So what now?
There's this brick wall i'm looking at. And it's kind of brutal. Solid. Big. Too tall to get over? Or is it?
Hmmmm....
FML

Gifts...

Hello to you all - and big hugs!!!! i have obviously not been around. Life has been mostly good, albeit quite hectic. I'm doing well and staying clean and healthy, which is a big bonus. I have 3 jobs now (not including the housewife/mom roles) and roller-skate between the three during the week. I am still in the music business doing sales support and promo for a few labels; i am partnered up with taboopleasures.com and we are going gang-busters with our new website, conventions and local events. Please check out the site - we have the absolute BEST prices on Pleaser Shoes, Allure, Leather and Elegant Moments apparel, and a HUGE assortment of toys and all things fetish! And the third mini-career of mine is obviously the most important as its my husband's new Energy Management company, specializing in solar, electrical and home/building efficiency. So far, things are going pretty well...and hopefully as the economy grows, so will our business! EvergreenSolarElectric.com!!!

I've had some family challenges recently. My "adopted" father passed away suddenly on Nov. 22nd. That was really tough on the kids and me - but i was happy we all spent some great quality time with him over the past summer. This is my kiddos first experience with losing someone close to them, that they loved...so its been pretty heart-wrenching to witness. The day of his memorial service, i also learned that my Grandmother (mom's mom) was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She's 93 y.o. and as she said "gotta die from something" so she's chosen not to undergo any kind of treatment. She lives in South Dakota, so I plan to go visit her with my lil brother soon - the prognosis (unofficially since she refused a biopsy) is about 6-12 mos, or in her own words "sooner rather than later". Again, another hard blow for my kids, especially my daughter who just adores her GG and "gets" her matriarchal standing in our family. Plus, she just thinks she's super cool - which she is! It makes me kind of sad because of her direct link to my mother (who died when i was 24), but she is 93 and has outlived most of her friends and family and is quite at peace with leaving this Earth and moving on up....so i can't be too sad for her! I feel very very blessed to have developed such a beautiful, loving relationship with her as a woman. She's taught us all so much, been an amazing role model and has lived through so much tragedy in her life, one cannot truly understand the inner strength she possesses, but it certainly is admirable. She has entered into the hospice program and will be cared for that way, at home, until she passes over.

On a happy, wonderful, good note - i was also notified (on the same exact day - pretty cosmic methinks!) that after much testing and surveys and paperwork, I have been chosen as the bone marrow donor for an anonymous 9 year-old boy who has acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL). I joined the Bone Marrow Registry in september, i think, and by Oct was notified as a potential match for this child. Of course, I was thrilled and have undergone the follow-up match testing and was finally told that we are a perfect match and they would like me to be the donor! What an amazing feeling...i can hardly explain. I'm over the moon with joy.

Tomorrow is my physical work-up at Mt. Sinai Hospital in NYC, prior to the donation date of Jan. 10th. I'm a bit nervous about the medical part - i haven't been on a scale in 2 yrs and have no real idea of my weight. I have a guesstimate # in my head, but don't want/need to know for real. I plan on explaining this to the medical team very EXPLICITLY and will do what i need to do to protect myself in the exam, whether it be standing backwards on the scale or what-have-you. I unfortunately know what size I am currently and though uncomfortable in my #, i've resigned myself to the peace of not knowing my actual weight. I also asked my husband to help protect this request tomorrow, as he will be with me for the physical. Anyway, that little tiny issue is soooo minor compared to the concept of helping this child live a happy, healthy life. I'm working hard to accept that and focus on the good things - and honestly the past several months i've felt sooo blessed, so peaceful and so abundantly loved that i've not focused too much on the petty, silly, disordered chaos that ED can create.

Life is so good! YAY....

I wish you all a warm, safe, happy and healthy holiday season and 2011! Focus on the good things, not the evil....and shoot for the stars. Life is beautiful - live it, love it and do it all with much JOY!

xoxoxo t

BAD DREAMS....

of my old life and the old me
and poor, no...really BAD choices that almost killed me
negative self esteem and body image
i awoke at 4:30 a.m. in a sweat and a fret
up and out of bed, on the porch with my unconditional loving pooch
email, coffee and CNN in the dark, earling morning
then fell asleep on the couch
and dreamt of CNN's discussion of Islam and the talks re: the 9/11 mosque and the koran burning douchebag.
i was on the news lamenting my frustration and disappointment
so muchbetter now,
but amazed how my former self continues to haunt me
annoyed that i have to think about it
and still have to debate myself, so often, to make good choices
and i am missing my mom
- even after 18 years -
i still really fucking miss her sometimes.
but its all okay.
these days are fewer and farther in between
and i have grown so much
i can now acknowledge them.
FEEL the feelings.
KNOW that i am stronger. and better. and happier.
and this too shall pass.

...and this too shall pass...
<3

And i ran....

Today i ran for the first time since Aug of 2008, when i was admitted to the EDU at Somerset Hospital. The temperature and humidity are down today - so my dog Buzz and i left on a little outdoor journey that took us about 3 1/2 miles. We didn't jog the whole way, it was more like a minute or two running and a minute of walking, repeat. It felt really good being "okay" with that. Pushing myself a bit, but not feeling so driven that I was out of control. Pearl Jam was playing in my iPod and Buzz kept me in check by stopping and sitting down like a mule here and there when he just had enough.

On our outing, i saw Sarah, a neighbor who is "running disordered" (i think i just made that up) and runs too much with another friend of mine from town. They spend all their time and energy prepping and running marathons all over the country - but complain that they never have time to do anything fun in their lives and are only ever thinking about the next "burn". Those are the people i've had to really cut out of my life. Living in a wealthy town where most of the women (other moms) don't work - the focus is almost always on their bodies. The latest hot yoga class they took, the new diet they are on, their new trainer/gym/workout, etc. I've really lessened my time and conversations with them and most don't know i've had ED in my life for nearly 30 years. Anyway, as I passed Sarah jogging, i suddenly felt insecure. She's sooooooo thin and i'm not anymore. I've had very bad body image lately and have been just trying to tone up with moderate exercise and not using any of the disordered dieting that has been my crutch and resolve all my life. god, it's sooooo f'ing hard. i've even had to start writing a food journal again, for my fear of eating too much or too little. I know this is a good thing, that I'm using the methods and coping skills i've been taught by my team...but its still so mentally devastating at times to just live with this disease and feel almost helpless (even though i'm not) against it.

blecht.

Plus i'm going home to see my family on the west coast in about 2 weeks. there is definitely part of me (ED) begging to drop some pounds before i go. i'm afraid of being judged for being bigger than i was when i saw them last, which was 3 mos before i was admitted to the hospital. Realistically i know that i'm not THAT much bigger than i was then, maybe a size and a half...but knowing how my family operates, i'm hesitant and feeling quite insecure. But, being aware and preparing for it mentally is half the battle - and i am truly doing it for my kiddos - so they can see their grandparents, aunts and uncles. I just have to remember that.

Be well, be happy and live in your moment!
xoxo t

Hot and bothered....

Yep, got to 102 here today. BRUTAL man. I did 3 loads of wash and hung them on the clothes line to dry. Good day for that - but even just hanging the wash and taking it down and folding it into the basket...the sweat would drip from my forehead and sting my eyes. Icky.

My day was weird too. I'm definitely not in the same happy place i was a couple of days ago. And i had such a great weekend. Just when i really felt like i was getting my groove on too. I didn't have to work today at the office - which was nice, as i had so much to get done around here. Then something small, but meaningful to me, kind of put me in the "off" position.

As you guys know from all my blogging over the past several years - my first response to any kind of emotional conflict was to use ED behaviors. Well, it's not that i'm without slips...for i do still slip at times. But i am learning to give myself time to digest my feelings better. Numbing out was always my knee-jerk reaction before. Then there is no need to sit with your emotions, try to figure out why they make you feel the way they do. And gauge your reactions. For the most part, this is a good thing. Although i loathe that i am just now truly learning how to feel sadness, disappointment, confusion, anger, etc...it's a very good thing to see that i am making progress.

And i'm finding that i clean like a banshee when i choose not to hang with ED. (do banshees clean? ) Anyway....i wanted to give myself some credit. I have some very conflicting emotions in my head and in my heart....and its hard for me to sit with that. But often, the best gift anyone can get is time. Time is my friend. And so here i am...sitting in my kitchen, looking out my window to my (nearly crispy) garden (we have mandatory water restrictions!) wondering and wishing.

and feeling minimally proud of myself.
and knowing that i am a totally kick ass girl and that i deserve only the best in every part of my life.
and so it shall be.
(i hope...says the lil girl)

Last weekend....

It was all about my husband - and we had a fabulous time. His birthday - the same day as Menard's (whom i didn't send b-day greeting's until yesterday when we talked and he reminded me....sorry darlin' ). Friday he played poker with his friends and won a teeny bit 'o money. Saturday the kiddos and i took him to King Tut in the city and we had a grand time! Then when we got back home in the evening, the sitter came over and we went to a show at The Pony with friends and then out for dinner and drinks. And yesterday, he and my son went to the Yankees game with friends of ours and he had a blast and my daughter and i went for pedicures together - and at age 9 she was tickled pink to get her first "real" peddie and the woman even painted pretty flowers on her big toes. Then we came home and BBQ'd once the "manly men" returned home. It was a fabulous day. And my husband and I are getting along splendidly at the moment, which feels really, really good. *sigh*

This week will be fun too - as i've got Pearl Jam & Band of Horses on Friday, Molly Hatchet & Blackberry Smoke on Saturday in Lawn-guy Land & Alice -n-Chains w/Stone Temple Pilots on Sunday at an outdoor event in Philly. Yay....how blessed am i?

And mercury is out of retrograde....and i'll be 42 in less than two weeks. And i'm healthy in my recovery for eating disorders. Working hard at it everyday and trying to work on positive and healthy physical activities and work-outs so i can grow even stronger and sexier and more confident about my physical self (which is my greatest source of disordered behavior). In fact, my friend (a fellow hippie chick who makes me look like Ann Coulter in hippy comparison) has gotten really fit from Hula Hooping...using weighted hoops. So I really want to get one for me - maybe a birfday present - and try doing that. I'd imagine me hooping outside in the sunshine every morning in the summer would be a great way to start the day! How can one NOT smile when they are hula hooping, right?

Well, i want more coffee and have vowed not to make any until AFTER i excercise today. So, i'm heading out into the sunshine for a walk/run with my doggie. I hope you have a fabulous week and that everyone's frowns are being turned upside down lately.

Sending the love to ya....xoxo

A great week

Its been a really great week for me controlling ED, rather than the other way around. i've been exercising moderately (45-50 min) 4 times a week or so...a bit of cardio but more strength training to tone up. it definitely makes me feel stronger and have better body image. Plus the endorphins alone are worth it for me. I just feel so much happier when i am using my body in such a positive way. The key is moderation for me....with everything i guess. LOL

i organized a show last night that went quite well and although no real money was made - but a lot of new connections and friendships were cultivated, which is always good! So yay for us.

My support group meeting was good this week. Some really amazing people in my group and such unconditional love and support! I feel very blessed to be a part of them. A new woman joined us this week, and she's just embarked on her road to recovery. Ugh, such a hard time the beginning is. Realizing that what you consider your best friend and salvation is actually trying to kill you...that's a tough thing to accept. A year and a half into my recovery and i still totally have the days i want to go back. The days i CHOOSE to slip and regress. But i always get up, dust myself off and start over - because living in your disorder is truly living in HELL. I can't believe i did it for so long. And that saying that even your worst day in recovery is better than your best day in your disorder....god, nothing could be more true. I mean, yeah...ED tries (and is still sometimes successful) convincing me that living on the dark side is bliss. And that's when the addiction part is so evident to me. How would anyone willfully CHOOSE to starve, hurt, ache, self-abuse and mentally torture oneself? The only way you can possibly give into such masochism is via an addiction or disease. There is no other logical way - unless we're just plain kooky - which of course may be slightly valid as well! Hahahaha.

Anyway, the silver lining in all of this is that in my journey of recovery - i have met some of the most amazing men and women on Earth. The tiniest of bodies carrying the strongest of wills. So much bravery, heart and moxie that i never would have met in different walks of life - if it hadn't been for our EDs. So for that i am thankful. If you haven't met those kinds of people yet in your life, reach out...they are there. Those kinds of connections in friendship, i believe, are sprinkled around us by God/the Universe and are the little sparkly easter eggs we find when we need them most. But you have to be open and receptive and willing to share too - and you'll be pleasantly surprised by the lessons you learn from each other. It's quite beautiful when you discover new blessings in your life and you become overtly grateful for them. When this happens, even in the simplest of matters, life gives you more goodness. It is law. So just try it - i promise you'll be greatly rewarded.

And so i begin my weekend steeped in love. I am loved and i love myself. I am taking care of me instead of sabotaging myself - inside and out. The more i practice self love and trust in my recovery - the more i will be able to trust myself...which will beautifully spill over into every other part of my life. And i am so happy to be able to recognize how much i deserve that now.

And so do you. So start (or restart even) today! Right this minute.
Happy weekend!

Zombie Day

Shitty ass Easter.
Shitty ass couple of weeks.
In a very dark place. Struggling, slipping, crying too much.
Doubting my self, my worth, my body, my strength, my sex appeal, my ability to control my own happiness.
Finding it hard to like me at the moment. Abandonment issues in full force. Lack of trust in humanity and myself in full force. Wondering what to do now.
Comforted by knowing that Jesus was a zombie.
i feel like a zombie at the moment.

A poignant Beastie Boys quote....for real.

“The true key is a trust in self. For when I trust myself, I fear no one else. I took control of my life, just as anyone can. I want everyone to see it's in the palm of your hand. The past is gone, the future yet unborn. But right here and now is where it all goes on.” - Beastie Boys

Isolation

...always a user's best friend. i know. i've done it. i've actually been called out on it this week by two friends with whom i'm really close. i feel boundaries slipping. excuses being made in my head. Easy to connect the dots once you know. But to those who don't....its mysterious or aloof or whatever. the cycles all swirl together at times in our minds...an unbreakable cycle when you commit to it. my friends have been relentlessly and lovingly checking on me this week. pushing me into social situations and away from my desire to isolate and hide.

I went to a wake yesterday for the death of an alcoholic friend. 39 y/o. Some people thought he was the life of the party, fun crazy guy. Other's considered him a total jerk who didn't even have a clue how good he had it and just chose to throw it all away. And i can feel some of that anger coming out now that he's gone. Like...how could he CHOOSE to live that way - how can any drunk/drug addict/disordered soul? How dare they choose to ruin their good lives and the lives of everyone they love? But one cannot look at it that way, because, simply stated...it's a real illness. There is very little choice involved. Being a former slave to my addiction, I totally GET that. The compulsions and needs are soooo strong and soooo well ingrained that you willingly hurt yourself because you can't deny yourself the escape. It's your sole coping mechanism, usually. So dealing with emotions and life on your own, just becomes impossible. And even with help, its so rare that one succeeds in this battle. And this was honestly the 3rd person in my life that i've lost because of addiction. One was to heroin, the second was to anorexia and cocaine and now alcoholism. Of course, depression was existent in all three cases as well. It always is though. And all three well intentioned people left small children parentless. That's the really tragic part. But the disease is so strong that at some point in one's indoctrination - the body, mind and soul are so emmeshed with the illness, depression and dependence that there is no resurrection. No salvation. Only surrender. Only darkness, no light.

And even with those significant examples of losses in my life, first hand, i am still struggling with knowing that i too still want to take the easy road so often. I long for it. A break, some relief. That "fix" that will numb me out and allow me to be free of the moment, even if just for 5 minutes. Often i don't even understand why it is that i want that, or conversely, even why i shouldn't. And often i fight it and take the higher road. But sometimes i can't. Or won't? i feel ashamed. and desperate. i want so much to be well...to be happy and secure and "normal". But i also feel broken beyond repair most of the time, and wonder when or if i'll ever be normal. And how i'll get there...and "what now"?

There are so many "right" things to do. So much beauty and love and wonder in the world, and in my life. I'm blessed. I truly am. And as blessed as i am to have so much support and so many who truly love me, I still struggle with my demons. And although i give you a smile and make you laugh and let you know i'm okay, even GREAT....there is always, always an underlying feeling of doubt inside me. Doubt i can do it. Doubt i can trust you. Doubt i will ever be able to feel adequate, or pretty or worthy. It's a terrible disease, addiction. So try not to hate the ones you know who struggle with it. Try and help them and love them and support them to get well. Don't judge or justify. You'll never truly understand, but nor do you need to. Just love. It's the only way. xoxo

Lost & Lonely

my husband is gone for 3 weeks. today is only the second day i am alone. my brain is struggling to stay right side up. obsession with food and eating has already been going on for days. it's non-stop chatter in my mind. "don't eat, don't eat, don't eat" i keep hearing. you can drop a size by the time he gets back. he'll never notice. it'll be cool. slip - go ahead - you can jump right back on later.

fuck.
so fucking hard.
and i feel really lost. and lonely.
and alone.
even though i'm never actually alone.
even though i'd like to be for even one hour.
i want that control now. what goes in, what comes out. how much, how often, do my thighs look thinner? is my belly flatter? i am definitely prettier today. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
why does this have to suck so bad?
please, i pray, help me get through this.
3 weeks is sooooo long :-(
i'm so scared.
grim.
feels really grim.

Spousal sabotage

i've had a rough couple of days. Not only has Mercury (my ruling planet) been retrograde (which wreaks havoc on us all) but my husband, usually the sweetest most supportive and loving person on Earth, has been vicious in his attacks on me with ED related commentary. Hitting below the belt, and hard. The first comment that hurt me terribly, was a stupid mistake. One that he should have never made - and as horribly as it was not to fly backwards in a self-destructive whirlwind - i can still recognize that it was a "dumb" moment. He blurted something out that he knows better than to do, and it should NEVER have popped up in his mind as an option of response.

But last night's comment was in anger and in pursuit of my pain and suffering. And he did it in a way that was damaging to everyone in our household, my children as well. And i don't know how to handle this. Without getting into excruitiating detail - i'll just say that he attacked me about my eating habits, on several levels, both while i was on the phone and in the presence of my children (who are 7&9 and don't know Mommy has an ED) and at the top of his lungs. Which, sadly, caused me to scream back and storm out of the house. Among the many things he yelled at me, the worst and most damaging was "You are not normal!" Really? Duh fucking ralph. But that was followed by "I am trying to teach you how to be normal." Well, last time i checked, that was my team's job. Cuz for the 15 yrs we've been together, you didn't even realize that i HAD an ED and have been active in it since i was 13. So...yeah, maybe my nutritionist/doctors are a better choice for the advice offers on recovery. But hey, thanks man.

shit.

Left the house. Went out with my friends - the ones who always lift me up when i'm on the floor - and tried to have a good evening. Came home, he was on the couch. No words exchanged - i went to bed. He slept on the couch. Came downstairs - still nothing. He left for work - nada.

What the hell. This sucks. I plan on making a family appt with my nutritionist for ASAP so that i may ask him to come. I don't understand the sudden hostility and the recent use of his "hitting below the belt" tactics. I wonder if others have gone thru this with spouses/friends/family. Any advice w/b much appreciato! xoxo

The New Year's Toast

Out for drinks one night, my friend who had bought me a shot of Patron, asked me what my resolution as for the new year. My response was/is "to be healthy both physically and mentally". And we cheered to this. A great goal, if i do say so myself. In past years it would have been something shallow or self-defeating in purpose. But this year, my goal is really truly to be strong and healthy and make choices that are logical and wise for me and my whole self.

Last year at this time, I was starting the new year with a fresh clean slate also. But it almost didn't seem real. It was as if I was going through a sort of trial period in a new lifestyle. More than a year in recovery now, I know how hard it really is. How many, many peaks and valleys there are to get through. I have learned that self forgiveness is a survival tool, not a frivolity. That may sound ridiculous to most, but to many of us afflicted with any addiction, but especially EDs, it is one of our greatest challenges. So, we just have to do it, over and over and over again...until it's more comfortable and a natural knee-jerk reaction to set-backs in our lives that we feel responsible for. We're good at accepting tons of responsibility, but not forgiving ourselves when we don't do as well as we'd hoped to. So that's something i'm really focusing on this year.

The other thing i am truly focused on fully is being alive in my moment and grateful for all my blessings. For me, this means looking in the mirror daily and rather than picking my self to pieces, smiling and thanking God for giving me a healthy, strong body. I come from a family with many physical issues. My mom died when she was only 8 yrs older than me now from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and my father lives with Multiple Sclerosis for nearly 30 yrs now. I cannot take for granted the grace and blessing bestowed upon me for having a strong, well-functioning, healthy body and mind. This basic standard of life that many of us take for granted until it's no longer there...is something of a much larger importance than the size of my jeans or the number on the scale (although i have not even stepped foot on one for about a year now). Walking, breathing, laughing, crying, hugging, loving, holding my children, petting my dog...all these things are sooooooo much better and more important than the silly, vanity driven, emptiness that Eating Disorders create in our souls. Living in the moment and falling in LOVE with life and all the beauty inside of it and inside of ME is magical. And this kind of love propels me into the world of positivity and strength and purpose that I deserve. That we ALL deserve.

So the experimental year is done. This year it's sunk in. I'm in recovery. I'm healing. I'm not pretending anymore. That doesn't mean i won't slip. That doesn't mean i won't falter. But what it does mean is that i continue to evolve, grow and embrace my true self. And once the butterfly emerges from the cocoon, it can never go back to being a caterpillar. Nope. And thankfully, who'd want to? I love my new wings, i love my new life and i'm working really, really, REALLY hard to love my new body too.

So here's to us - and our good health...this year, and always! Cheers! <3

~*~*~TABLA RASA~*~*~

Focus, living in the moment, purpose, constantly becoming something new and improved, a work in progress, the continuation of my metamorphosis. my wings are still damp and fragile...but gaining in strength each day, each moment. Love has brought me me so many blessings and strength. It has lifted me up when i was too weak to do so myself. And although the journey is treacherous...the good days outnumber the bad now, and i feel momentum and power building.

You, who are my friends; You, who are my loves; You, who bathe me in comfort and white light...thank you so very much! So many of you have reached out to me, shared your stories, shared your lives....your real lives - not just your "blog" stories. The people i adore and admire, made of sweet flesh, warm smiles and inspiration.

The one universal thing that certainly ties us all together is that we are resilient! We are colorful and brave! We believe in running toward the prize with all of the power and confidence and strength we can muster, despite the inevitable obstacles before us. We help lift each other up, so that we may grab onto our own shining star and fly as HIGH as our imaginations will take us! And each and every one of us deserves NOTHING less. Accept nothing less. Live with no regrets!

So here's to us in 2010 and making exactly that happen. For you, and for me....for those we have loved and lost, this year and always, whose spirits continue to inspire us each day to be better human beings. May we be abundantly selfless, generous, loving and forgiving...not only to our spouses, friends, co-workers and children - but to ourselves.

Especially to ourselves. Let the love start there. Tabla Rasa, my friends.

Happy New Year! xoxo