my weirdness

And he calls it just that. says he loves me despite my weirdness, even though i don't...most of the time. it has gotten tons better - but is always lurking, poking at me, trying to pull me back in. And trying to relay the kinds of feelings that happen when you introduce big gianormous food-related holidays to a recovering ED-like person...is just horrid. No one gets it...unless you're a bird of the flock. I mean some TRY, and others irritate the fuck out of me while they (so call "try"). LOL

DISCLAIMER: I should probably say right now that i'm in a bad state of mental being and have been regressing mentally due to some "arguments" with people i love about ED. You are hereby warned that this commentary is/may be triggering and negative.

Yeah, the other people....and trying to explain it to them. Well.....that plain just sucks.
its bad enough we have to live it...let alone try and explain our severely-fucked-up-ness. yeah....shame is the first thing that comes to mind. "Hey, just when you thought i was cool...you know, a strong, motivated, intelligent, hip, kind of girl..."
you find out about it. the FLAW. The weirdness. The disease. A mental disease, i should add.
Ha! Am i smelling like a rose? NO sir-ee.
And for me, that's when the pull comes. Calling me back, luring me into its web...cuz if i have to describe myself as such, then i must be. and if i'm not that anymore, then who the hell am i? ya know?
I know, it's stupid. Really really lame, and shallow and ignorant and weak and yeah...a sort of self-wallowing pity party, isn't it?
It makes me SICK. How about you? Speaking of which...since i already feel sick and weak and ashamed, well then, i might as well BE sick and weak! Ya know, for old times sake. Or not? Well, maybe just this once. I mean really....who would know? Besides me.
But yeah, there's me. I would know. And now i've gone and told every (mostly non-existent) person in Blogland. Well FUCK ME! Look what you went and DID!
(yes i know that's improper english, folks. we're over-achievers remember? super smart for the most part!)
So what now?
There's this brick wall i'm looking at. And it's kind of brutal. Solid. Big. Too tall to get over? Or is it?
Hmmmm....
FML