Inside my head

is a scary place to be
i wish i could get out of here
take me hostage....please!
save me from myself
don't worry that way
i'll get through this dark moment
with every peak there is a valley
where the sunlight shines warm upon my face
and although i'm crawling upwards
(okay, maybe sideways)
i sometimes get stuck in the confines of ED
a personal hell of vanity and contradiction
a slave to something wicked and cruel
Something so shallow,
it goes against all that in which i believe
for everything and everyone else
but there are different standards for me
no forgiveness or understanding or slack
and i hate that recovery is so hard
every minute of every day of every week
it is overwhelming at times
And oh how i hate that i'd rather be SICK and skinny
than 15 lbs up and a size or two bigger
AND healthy!!!!
*sighs*
but deep inside, part of me still wants that
the mean, scrutinizing, self depricating me
and she's in my head today
and alot lately, with a big LOUD voice
maybe that's why i love rock-n-roll so much
it drowns the bad voices out
and makes me happy and ALIVE in the moment
which is a lovely thing
a very beautiful thing

Howdy y'all!

i just returned from a lovely spring break vacation in San Antonio with my family! What a beautiful city full of the loveliest people you'd ever want to meet. The town is very friendly, super clean, easier to get around and full of life and love. We stayed at the Drury Inn on the Riverwalk and it was just perfect. Two pools, a great breakfast buffet and free drinks and appies each night for happy hour. We went to The Alamo, The Tower of the Americas and Sea World. Each was a wonderful experience. We didn't rent a car, which was a first for us, but I was glad we didn't. This is a walking city - almost everywhere can be traveled to by foot and the paths around the Riverwalk are just gorgeous, decorated by waterfalls, beautiful vegetation and lots of festive and pretty restaurants, shops and hotels. The weather couldn't have been more perfect - in the 80s all days except Thursday where it was 95! Luckily, we were at Sea World that day so we got lots of splashes from the shows and rides.

There was Bar-B-Q and tex-mex food galore - and the tequila flowed like water. i tried to not stress over it all. Tried to drink more than i ate, and not worry about the clothes (and me) not looking like i would want them to. It was my first time in summer clothes since the hospital, and the preparation for the trip (clothes wise) was a bit stressful. Some of it was as bad as i expected and some of it was okay - not any of it "great" - but okay. Obviously, none of my sick clothes fit anymore at all. And my jeans have been a big source of stress lately as i've been feeling (to put it nicely) very large. So, i decided that spring break would be a jeans-free zone. I didn't bring any on the trip. I brought only shorts (longish ones) and sundresses and it was cool for the most part. I did have to tackle the swimsuit issue, and forced myself to do it for my family. I swam with the kids every single day, sometimes twice a day and although a bit uncomfortable with my fluffier self, i did it.

And yes, Ed was on vacation with us too. And now that my husband knows about it, Ed tries to pull him into our conversations. Is my butt as big as her butt? Is she bigger or smaller than me? Hubby would even catch me looking and analyzing myself or someone else and would know, before i said anything that Ed was mind-fucking me again...and would pull me over into his arms and say "Stop it right now! You are beautiful. Stop sabotaging yourself. I love you." Yes, i'm a lucky woman to have him. And i could see how wearing it was for him to now be hyper aware of the sickness in my head...that is my life. And sometimes when i would say sick words, i could feel the dismay about him wondering how in the hell i could possibly think like this so much of the day. Of course, little does he know...i only let out one tiny little fraction of those sicko thoughts HAHAHA! But i lived. i made it through my first "recovery" vacation. i'm still symptom free and alive :-) And i have lovely memories of playing in the pool with my kids and sharing margaritas with my husband, rather than dark, icky memories of disordered behaviors.

That's one giant victory for me, and one enormous defeat for ED!
YaY me!!!

Now i'm back from the vaca and slowly sinking back into normal mode. We had a low key Easter, as we're recovering Catholics and aren't raising our children Christian - so it was just an Easter Basket/Bunny thing in the a.m. and we made a small family dinner last night. Kids weren't ready to go back to school this morning, but i sure was ready for them to go! i got over to my nutritionist's office where we talked about my first vacation in recovery, the challenges, the triumphs, etc. Then i went to the gym and worked out hard and feel really happy that i did. YAY!!!

I hope you had a good holiday and are feeling strong.