And i ran....

Today i ran for the first time since Aug of 2008, when i was admitted to the EDU at Somerset Hospital. The temperature and humidity are down today - so my dog Buzz and i left on a little outdoor journey that took us about 3 1/2 miles. We didn't jog the whole way, it was more like a minute or two running and a minute of walking, repeat. It felt really good being "okay" with that. Pushing myself a bit, but not feeling so driven that I was out of control. Pearl Jam was playing in my iPod and Buzz kept me in check by stopping and sitting down like a mule here and there when he just had enough.

On our outing, i saw Sarah, a neighbor who is "running disordered" (i think i just made that up) and runs too much with another friend of mine from town. They spend all their time and energy prepping and running marathons all over the country - but complain that they never have time to do anything fun in their lives and are only ever thinking about the next "burn". Those are the people i've had to really cut out of my life. Living in a wealthy town where most of the women (other moms) don't work - the focus is almost always on their bodies. The latest hot yoga class they took, the new diet they are on, their new trainer/gym/workout, etc. I've really lessened my time and conversations with them and most don't know i've had ED in my life for nearly 30 years. Anyway, as I passed Sarah jogging, i suddenly felt insecure. She's sooooooo thin and i'm not anymore. I've had very bad body image lately and have been just trying to tone up with moderate exercise and not using any of the disordered dieting that has been my crutch and resolve all my life. god, it's sooooo f'ing hard. i've even had to start writing a food journal again, for my fear of eating too much or too little. I know this is a good thing, that I'm using the methods and coping skills i've been taught by my team...but its still so mentally devastating at times to just live with this disease and feel almost helpless (even though i'm not) against it.

blecht.

Plus i'm going home to see my family on the west coast in about 2 weeks. there is definitely part of me (ED) begging to drop some pounds before i go. i'm afraid of being judged for being bigger than i was when i saw them last, which was 3 mos before i was admitted to the hospital. Realistically i know that i'm not THAT much bigger than i was then, maybe a size and a half...but knowing how my family operates, i'm hesitant and feeling quite insecure. But, being aware and preparing for it mentally is half the battle - and i am truly doing it for my kiddos - so they can see their grandparents, aunts and uncles. I just have to remember that.

Be well, be happy and live in your moment!
xoxo t

Hot and bothered....

Yep, got to 102 here today. BRUTAL man. I did 3 loads of wash and hung them on the clothes line to dry. Good day for that - but even just hanging the wash and taking it down and folding it into the basket...the sweat would drip from my forehead and sting my eyes. Icky.

My day was weird too. I'm definitely not in the same happy place i was a couple of days ago. And i had such a great weekend. Just when i really felt like i was getting my groove on too. I didn't have to work today at the office - which was nice, as i had so much to get done around here. Then something small, but meaningful to me, kind of put me in the "off" position.

As you guys know from all my blogging over the past several years - my first response to any kind of emotional conflict was to use ED behaviors. Well, it's not that i'm without slips...for i do still slip at times. But i am learning to give myself time to digest my feelings better. Numbing out was always my knee-jerk reaction before. Then there is no need to sit with your emotions, try to figure out why they make you feel the way they do. And gauge your reactions. For the most part, this is a good thing. Although i loathe that i am just now truly learning how to feel sadness, disappointment, confusion, anger, etc...it's a very good thing to see that i am making progress.

And i'm finding that i clean like a banshee when i choose not to hang with ED. (do banshees clean? ) Anyway....i wanted to give myself some credit. I have some very conflicting emotions in my head and in my heart....and its hard for me to sit with that. But often, the best gift anyone can get is time. Time is my friend. And so here i am...sitting in my kitchen, looking out my window to my (nearly crispy) garden (we have mandatory water restrictions!) wondering and wishing.

and feeling minimally proud of myself.
and knowing that i am a totally kick ass girl and that i deserve only the best in every part of my life.
and so it shall be.
(i hope...says the lil girl)