TGIF - and warm!!!!

Yep, it feels like spring today. Going to be 63 and sunnyish. I'll take it - and am loving it already today. Rode the kids to school on bikes and then came home and zipped over to make my fave spin class of the week. But Rachel, our reg Friday instructor wasn't there - and it was another who is very nice, but is like a gerbil on speed. She's definitely got issues - and it was her second spin class of the day and then she was training with someone on weights and then she talked about running 1.5 miles each way to pick up her daughter from school (3 miles total - all hill work). I mean really....that's just not normal. Don't get me wrong, i've BEEN there! But i'm not there now, nor do i want to go back. Plus she always talks about calories and how you can burn more. I wish they'd really just shut the hell up and lead the class sometimes. But I pushed really hard in class - and it felt great. Then i grabbed a cup of coffee and met my good friend at her job, a record label, where she told me that they were all told they'd be let go in May'ish. She just relocated from the Germany office, and she has lots of connections and opps. One of them is starting her own gig, which I may go in on. We'll see. But anyway....i feel badly because i know everyone in the office and many of the bands on the label. These are hard times, for sure.

I got real pissed at a friend of mine the other day who put on her facebook account that she was pissed that the House passed the 90% Bonus taxation bill. This, mind you, only affects those companies who accepted TARP money to bail them out. And it's only for families who make more than $250,000 annually. I reminded her of this, and she said YAY, lucky me, i work for Citigroup. Yeah - well (i wanted to say) fucking count your blessings cuz you 1) still have a job, 2) make a quarter million bucks or more a year, and 3) that's TAXPAYER money you don't deserve to keep...so shut the fuck up!

I have so many friends out of work. Friends going into foreclosure on their homes. People that are going to be okay - but times are tough. So it's really sad to me that she's so selfish and unaffected by the world to actually make a public complaint about that. *sigh*

Then there is that horribly tragic story about that family whose plane crashed in Montana going to ski with their grandparents. I watched one of the other family members (a father on the other side) on the Today show this morning. Those poor people - they lost 13 of their family members all at once. And like the man talked about today, the pilot is being villianized rather than mourned for like he should. Evidently, the media is saying that the plane was overloaded, but in reality it was not over weight because 7 of the passengers were small children. My heart goes out to all the remaining family - this must be beyond devastating, and another reminder that tomorrow is never promised to us, so we have to live engaged lives today!

So let's regroup - refocus. Life is hard, but it is beautiful. Let's remember what is really important. Let's be thankful for our health and the love in our lives. Let's live in the MOMENT, build the love and share it with the world....and smile like there's no tomorrow, because we never know what's around the next corner so make today matter.

Peace and Love to you all.....
xoxoxoxo t

Prozac Nation

Yeah, i'm loving the prozac right now. It seems to have helped me this month - after complaining to my Doc about really bad PMS depression over the past few months. This depression has seemed to have crept up over the past 6 mos, my hormones regulating themselves after decades of using behaviors is playing some tricks on my body and brain. Anyway, the last couple of moon cycles have been wicked and the most recent (a month ago) put me back into the throws of ED. With 3 full weeks of b&p, isolating and panic over my body image. I gave into ED's convincing that He could help me lose the 5 or 10 lbs in a few weeks if I let him in again for a bit. Well, of course...it didn't work. In fact, i actually gained a few lbs - got fluffier, felt none of the "high" i used to get when using my behaviors, only felt worse, worser and worsest. After confessing my sins to my nutritionist, and going to see Dr. D, he recommended that i double up on my prozac during only the week prior to my period. So i did that this month. i still felt the physical PMS symptoms, but the depression and severe body image issues did not seem as bad at all. I got thru the bad week and moved on feeling stronger and happier about that and myself!

Yeah, i think that was my last 'bout with ED. I'm not saying he won't always be around. We all know that it will be a never ending battle with him. But, I don't think i'll be so quick to hand over my life to him again. I "proved" to myself again that He doesn't make me feel good. He makes me feel worse. Always. He is trying to kill me and after 27 yrs of his attempts, I know that I am stronger than him and I deserve to be happy and live my life as a happy person. And so i continue my fight. With my team and my support system and most importantly, with more faith in myself than ever. But its not something I can sleep on. It's something that requires constant work, engaged and active work. I read on facebook that a few more of my hospital friends are back in different programs again. So many have gone back. It makes me so sad. But honestly, the ones of us who keep working actively - i.e. going to see our outpatient team members faithfully every week - are the only ones getting better. You can't do it alone. It's too manipulative and easy to fall prey to the mindfucks and distortions it convinces you are reality.

So thank you to my loving team - thank you to you readers, for allowing me to express this and share my experience. And thank you to the Universe/God for allowing me another magical day in this beautiful, strong, healthy body. I am blessed.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

What a beautiful day it is here - sunny, brisk but the promise of spring is lofting through the air. The dog and I strolled early this morning for a few minutes and I was able to catch a spin class, which was so fun and exhilarating as I hadn't been in two weeks. As i was pushing thru the hills and hard paces, I would look down at my legs and give thanks for having a healthy stong body that works! Truly such a blessing. My father has Multiple Sclerosis and my mother died of cancer when she was 49, so often when i take my body for granted and realize it, I stop and make a point of feeling gratitude...for I know both of them would give anything to be able to ride a bike or even walk across the living room, for that matter. When I remember to give thanks for the simple things in life, the things we so often take for granted, it makes everything else seem that much better and more glorious.

Now I'm off to get some corned beef, cabbage and potatoes cooking for our family dinner this evening. Again, I feel blessed to have the beautiful, healthy, fun kids I have and such a wonderful loving husband that holds it all together like glue :-) Oooh, a sweet lovin' doggie too - can't forget my big ole lovebug! Sometimes i feel i'm the luckiest girl in the world. I hope you do too.

Enjoy your St. Patty's Day - smile and dream and live the love. *hugs*

spring cleaning

Why are there so few blogs about recovery and sooooooo many that talk about living such food/eating disordered lives? I'm going to try and be one of those that promotes living life WITHOUT eating disorders, in recovery, without a focus on food, meal plans, weight, sizes, etc. ED has stolen so much of my life - I don't want to give him anymore of it. Screw that. So...i shall remove any pro-ED blogs, friends, lifestyle influences from my life. And I am looking for help in finding pro-recovery support blogs to add to my reading lists. Please recommend any that you know of or follow.

I also need to find a good therapist in Central Jersey who works with improving body image and self esteem in her patients. If you know of anyone's name you could pass along, i'd be every so grateful.

other than that, it's a good day. I saw my psychiatrist (i go every 2 mos now) on Thursday and we talked about my recent spiral and depression and how it seems related to PMS every month. So for the next two months, we are going to try a new med schedule (actually doubling the anti-depressant i'm on now) for only the week before my period. i'm on my second day of the double dosage now, so we'll see if that indeed makes a difference with my depression and poor body image that seems to come with PMS. I also spoke with him about Dr. Stoler's lecture and her disappointing coverage about eating disorders and how she made vomit gestures/faces and her condescending tone, etc. As her former boss during this part of her education, he was disappointed and shocked that she would act out that way and when I told him of how she mentioned that "every once in a while she lets herself eat half a cheeseburger and even ONE of her daughter's french fries" we both chuckled and nodded in agreement over the ritualistic and disordered aspects that that statement is screaming out.

So, i'm kicking that asshole ED to the curb. The stronger I become, the more conniving and tricky he gets. Always looking for a way back into my life, into my head. Thank you for helping me heal and be stronger. We can beat this illness. I believe that. I believe in you and i believe in me. So get out there and LIVE in the moment. That's what it's all about!

Carpe Diem,
xoxo t

Dr. Stoler blows too much hot air!

My little town had a PTA sponsored lecture for students and parents at the HS last night. it was marketed as a "presentation on the nutrition of our children" featuring the famous (or at least in her own mind) nutritionist Dr. Felicia Stoler. i was actually excited that this was a public topic/forum and assumed that it HAD to include eating disorder information - so i contacted my nutritionist and she wanted to go with me. YAY

Wow, what a serious disappointment this woman was. The program should have been entitled "Sports Nutrition by an overly ritualistic and disordered-in-her-own-right megalomaniac nut". First, it took 3 people about 20 minutes just to read all all her credentials and work/job experiences (blah, blah, blah). And after all that blabbering and pomp and circumstance - she turned out to just read off her slides *yawn* and basically gave a presentation geared towards athletes and sports nutrition. Evidently, she works with a zillion organizations - among them (and believe you me, she mentioned every single one of them twice!) GNC, TLC, ABC, NYC Marathon. She had lots of opinions on how to fuel your body and hydrate before marathons and lacrosse matches - but when it came to her very brief, 5 min part of the presentation on eating disorders, this is where i really became uber disappointed, and by the end of her brief section...actually quite a bit infuriated and offended.

She started this section by rattling off "symptoms" of eating disorders in a most flippant and random manner....things to look for, notice, be cautioned by. Nothing significant regarding the issues related to, risks of or sources to help a parent, friend or actual disordered person him/herself. At one point, she actually performed for her audience the rudest gesture possible, as she mocked making herself vomit. Yeah, seriously. She stuck her fist in her mouth - well, close to her wide open mouth. As if the audience needed that demonstration. Thanks Felicia. Real classy.

During this entire section she was rude, crude and condescending. I pity the poor boy or girl who actually has the misfortune of walking blindly into this woman's office seeking help, cuz she'll certainly push them over the edge they are walking right then and there. She really does NOT get it. She talked about ED addicts needing an MD, a therapist and a nutritionist and in her own words, which i agree with. But then she continued on by stating that anyone who doesn't have all three is just a "risk to her practice" and not serious, so she simply cuts them loose. How kind she is, huh? How empathetic. nuh-uh. Not good.

Anyway, the hour and a half of diet and exercise information was nothing new to me. I've been on every fad diet she mentioned and condemned. After being hospitalized and counseled for nearly a year now for my EDs, I have learned much about nutrition and the physiology of the human body. I was quite surprised to hear that she'd actually interned at Somerset Medical Center in the EDU where i resided last summer. Did she learn nothing of the human condition whilst there? How the psychological effects of eating disorders can be debilitating and deadly? Was this not worthy of further dedication of time to all those kids and parents she had captive in the auditorium?

The silver lining of this event? Well, I am thrilled to know, after witnessing this presentation, that I have the very best team available to me. My nutritionist is NOTHING like Dr. Stoler - thank goodness!!!!! Mine actually CARES! She actually GETS IT! My nutritionist is smart, lovely, loving, caring, strong and able to actually help her patients...not with condescending judgement and simple "facts"...but rather with warm, self-esteem building guidance, education and genuine care. (Love you Donna!!!)

I started here, but I plan to write to the PTA at the school also. To have wasted such an opportunity that actually filled the HS auditorium with not only a big audience, but a bunch of hot air from a egotistical braggart, was truly a sin.

Aside from that, i'm in day 5 of good positive behavior. I'm sticking to my meal plan, staying positive, writing in my journal and here and visualizing a strong, healthy, beautiful (ED FREE) me! Carpe Diem! xoxoxo

It's the third day

since i've been clean again. i went thru a terrible cycle of using behaviors and cuddling up with ED again for a bit. a good three weeks it was. seems like it started with PMS and turned into a terrible cycle of depression, worse body image than normal and very low self esteem. i'm noticing the pattern, seems to do this every few weeks or so. Then i have a couple of weeks to "catch up" and it hits again. PMS i'm suspecting, blaming it on that old hag almost seems unconscionable, but as a peri-menopausal woman - who never had PMS symptoms much growing up, there is a pattern here. my nutritionist and I have been discussing it - how it waxes and wanes around the same time every month; which comes first the disease or the depression. having had this incorporated into my life and being for 27 yrs now, it's always hard to separate the two. the chicken and egg syndrome. Ha! food analogy - how fucking INappropriate. sorry. i see my psychiatrist on Thursday and i'll talk to him about it. Will he strengthen my Prozac level? i hope not - although the other alternative i see is going on b/c pills to assist level out my hormones and i'm not real fond of that idea either. So we'll see. But the point i do see as positive - as Donna pointed out - is that i went back to ED over the past three weeks. He told me, come back...i'll get you skinny again. And i binged and purged and i starved and then B&Pd again and again and i became dehydrated and my skin got bad and i got dizzy again and i got more and more depressed and my jeans got tighter and tighter, not skinnier. So then he said "no more food! back to minimal (500) calories and you'll exercise 2 hrs a day. That's what you did last summer and it worked. Your skinny Diesel jeans will be hanging off of you in no time. But that didn't happen. I told my husband how dark i was, how deep i had gotten back in. He reminded me how much happier I am when i'm not using behaviors - when nutrition is paramount and i am free to focus on the blessings in my life. Enjoying my family, my beautiful children, my wonderful job that i adore...nature, love, laughter, life...all so much more beautiful when i don't let ED rule me. He said to me "You know what you have to do. You know what works!" And i do. The key for me is my meal plan and normal exercise. That's it. Easy peasy. And this weight will come off again. And i'll be back in control and living blissfully once more. So that's what i learned. That was the lesson this 3 week binge taught me. You can't go back for ever one day. There's no free passes - it's all BAD. And if you don't die - then feel god damn lucky you get another chance. And i do. Thank DOG. :-)

So i'm here, in day three...the magic number from Schoolhouse Rock.
Pray for me - i'm sending you peace, hope, love and strength.
Carpe Diem! xoxoxo

i'm stuck

and struggling
spiraling
and using
again
i worry about how gianormous i am as a size 8
and how much i weigh (haven't been allowed to know since Oct)
when there are real issues in the world
how fucking pathetic
wish there was a "just get the fuck over it already" pill
i loathe my weakness
i am so strong for everyone but me
why am i'm so broken