It's the third day

since i've been clean again. i went thru a terrible cycle of using behaviors and cuddling up with ED again for a bit. a good three weeks it was. seems like it started with PMS and turned into a terrible cycle of depression, worse body image than normal and very low self esteem. i'm noticing the pattern, seems to do this every few weeks or so. Then i have a couple of weeks to "catch up" and it hits again. PMS i'm suspecting, blaming it on that old hag almost seems unconscionable, but as a peri-menopausal woman - who never had PMS symptoms much growing up, there is a pattern here. my nutritionist and I have been discussing it - how it waxes and wanes around the same time every month; which comes first the disease or the depression. having had this incorporated into my life and being for 27 yrs now, it's always hard to separate the two. the chicken and egg syndrome. Ha! food analogy - how fucking INappropriate. sorry. i see my psychiatrist on Thursday and i'll talk to him about it. Will he strengthen my Prozac level? i hope not - although the other alternative i see is going on b/c pills to assist level out my hormones and i'm not real fond of that idea either. So we'll see. But the point i do see as positive - as Donna pointed out - is that i went back to ED over the past three weeks. He told me, come back...i'll get you skinny again. And i binged and purged and i starved and then B&Pd again and again and i became dehydrated and my skin got bad and i got dizzy again and i got more and more depressed and my jeans got tighter and tighter, not skinnier. So then he said "no more food! back to minimal (500) calories and you'll exercise 2 hrs a day. That's what you did last summer and it worked. Your skinny Diesel jeans will be hanging off of you in no time. But that didn't happen. I told my husband how dark i was, how deep i had gotten back in. He reminded me how much happier I am when i'm not using behaviors - when nutrition is paramount and i am free to focus on the blessings in my life. Enjoying my family, my beautiful children, my wonderful job that i adore...nature, love, laughter, life...all so much more beautiful when i don't let ED rule me. He said to me "You know what you have to do. You know what works!" And i do. The key for me is my meal plan and normal exercise. That's it. Easy peasy. And this weight will come off again. And i'll be back in control and living blissfully once more. So that's what i learned. That was the lesson this 3 week binge taught me. You can't go back for ever one day. There's no free passes - it's all BAD. And if you don't die - then feel god damn lucky you get another chance. And i do. Thank DOG. :-)

So i'm here, in day three...the magic number from Schoolhouse Rock.
Pray for me - i'm sending you peace, hope, love and strength.
Carpe Diem! xoxoxo