Prozac Nation

Yeah, i'm loving the prozac right now. It seems to have helped me this month - after complaining to my Doc about really bad PMS depression over the past few months. This depression has seemed to have crept up over the past 6 mos, my hormones regulating themselves after decades of using behaviors is playing some tricks on my body and brain. Anyway, the last couple of moon cycles have been wicked and the most recent (a month ago) put me back into the throws of ED. With 3 full weeks of b&p, isolating and panic over my body image. I gave into ED's convincing that He could help me lose the 5 or 10 lbs in a few weeks if I let him in again for a bit. Well, of course...it didn't work. In fact, i actually gained a few lbs - got fluffier, felt none of the "high" i used to get when using my behaviors, only felt worse, worser and worsest. After confessing my sins to my nutritionist, and going to see Dr. D, he recommended that i double up on my prozac during only the week prior to my period. So i did that this month. i still felt the physical PMS symptoms, but the depression and severe body image issues did not seem as bad at all. I got thru the bad week and moved on feeling stronger and happier about that and myself!

Yeah, i think that was my last 'bout with ED. I'm not saying he won't always be around. We all know that it will be a never ending battle with him. But, I don't think i'll be so quick to hand over my life to him again. I "proved" to myself again that He doesn't make me feel good. He makes me feel worse. Always. He is trying to kill me and after 27 yrs of his attempts, I know that I am stronger than him and I deserve to be happy and live my life as a happy person. And so i continue my fight. With my team and my support system and most importantly, with more faith in myself than ever. But its not something I can sleep on. It's something that requires constant work, engaged and active work. I read on facebook that a few more of my hospital friends are back in different programs again. So many have gone back. It makes me so sad. But honestly, the ones of us who keep working actively - i.e. going to see our outpatient team members faithfully every week - are the only ones getting better. You can't do it alone. It's too manipulative and easy to fall prey to the mindfucks and distortions it convinces you are reality.

So thank you to my loving team - thank you to you readers, for allowing me to express this and share my experience. And thank you to the Universe/God for allowing me another magical day in this beautiful, strong, healthy body. I am blessed.