A poignant Beastie Boys quote....for real.

“The true key is a trust in self. For when I trust myself, I fear no one else. I took control of my life, just as anyone can. I want everyone to see it's in the palm of your hand. The past is gone, the future yet unborn. But right here and now is where it all goes on.” - Beastie Boys

Isolation

...always a user's best friend. i know. i've done it. i've actually been called out on it this week by two friends with whom i'm really close. i feel boundaries slipping. excuses being made in my head. Easy to connect the dots once you know. But to those who don't....its mysterious or aloof or whatever. the cycles all swirl together at times in our minds...an unbreakable cycle when you commit to it. my friends have been relentlessly and lovingly checking on me this week. pushing me into social situations and away from my desire to isolate and hide.

I went to a wake yesterday for the death of an alcoholic friend. 39 y/o. Some people thought he was the life of the party, fun crazy guy. Other's considered him a total jerk who didn't even have a clue how good he had it and just chose to throw it all away. And i can feel some of that anger coming out now that he's gone. Like...how could he CHOOSE to live that way - how can any drunk/drug addict/disordered soul? How dare they choose to ruin their good lives and the lives of everyone they love? But one cannot look at it that way, because, simply stated...it's a real illness. There is very little choice involved. Being a former slave to my addiction, I totally GET that. The compulsions and needs are soooo strong and soooo well ingrained that you willingly hurt yourself because you can't deny yourself the escape. It's your sole coping mechanism, usually. So dealing with emotions and life on your own, just becomes impossible. And even with help, its so rare that one succeeds in this battle. And this was honestly the 3rd person in my life that i've lost because of addiction. One was to heroin, the second was to anorexia and cocaine and now alcoholism. Of course, depression was existent in all three cases as well. It always is though. And all three well intentioned people left small children parentless. That's the really tragic part. But the disease is so strong that at some point in one's indoctrination - the body, mind and soul are so emmeshed with the illness, depression and dependence that there is no resurrection. No salvation. Only surrender. Only darkness, no light.

And even with those significant examples of losses in my life, first hand, i am still struggling with knowing that i too still want to take the easy road so often. I long for it. A break, some relief. That "fix" that will numb me out and allow me to be free of the moment, even if just for 5 minutes. Often i don't even understand why it is that i want that, or conversely, even why i shouldn't. And often i fight it and take the higher road. But sometimes i can't. Or won't? i feel ashamed. and desperate. i want so much to be well...to be happy and secure and "normal". But i also feel broken beyond repair most of the time, and wonder when or if i'll ever be normal. And how i'll get there...and "what now"?

There are so many "right" things to do. So much beauty and love and wonder in the world, and in my life. I'm blessed. I truly am. And as blessed as i am to have so much support and so many who truly love me, I still struggle with my demons. And although i give you a smile and make you laugh and let you know i'm okay, even GREAT....there is always, always an underlying feeling of doubt inside me. Doubt i can do it. Doubt i can trust you. Doubt i will ever be able to feel adequate, or pretty or worthy. It's a terrible disease, addiction. So try not to hate the ones you know who struggle with it. Try and help them and love them and support them to get well. Don't judge or justify. You'll never truly understand, but nor do you need to. Just love. It's the only way. xoxo

Lost & Lonely

my husband is gone for 3 weeks. today is only the second day i am alone. my brain is struggling to stay right side up. obsession with food and eating has already been going on for days. it's non-stop chatter in my mind. "don't eat, don't eat, don't eat" i keep hearing. you can drop a size by the time he gets back. he'll never notice. it'll be cool. slip - go ahead - you can jump right back on later.

fuck.
so fucking hard.
and i feel really lost. and lonely.
and alone.
even though i'm never actually alone.
even though i'd like to be for even one hour.
i want that control now. what goes in, what comes out. how much, how often, do my thighs look thinner? is my belly flatter? i am definitely prettier today. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
why does this have to suck so bad?
please, i pray, help me get through this.
3 weeks is sooooo long :-(
i'm so scared.
grim.
feels really grim.