Inside my head

is a scary place to be
i wish i could get out of here
take me hostage....please!
save me from myself
don't worry that way
i'll get through this dark moment
with every peak there is a valley
where the sunlight shines warm upon my face
and although i'm crawling upwards
(okay, maybe sideways)
i sometimes get stuck in the confines of ED
a personal hell of vanity and contradiction
a slave to something wicked and cruel
Something so shallow,
it goes against all that in which i believe
for everything and everyone else
but there are different standards for me
no forgiveness or understanding or slack
and i hate that recovery is so hard
every minute of every day of every week
it is overwhelming at times
And oh how i hate that i'd rather be SICK and skinny
than 15 lbs up and a size or two bigger
AND healthy!!!!
*sighs*
but deep inside, part of me still wants that
the mean, scrutinizing, self depricating me
and she's in my head today
and alot lately, with a big LOUD voice
maybe that's why i love rock-n-roll so much
it drowns the bad voices out
and makes me happy and ALIVE in the moment
which is a lovely thing
a very beautiful thing