The New Year's Toast

Out for drinks one night, my friend who had bought me a shot of Patron, asked me what my resolution as for the new year. My response was/is "to be healthy both physically and mentally". And we cheered to this. A great goal, if i do say so myself. In past years it would have been something shallow or self-defeating in purpose. But this year, my goal is really truly to be strong and healthy and make choices that are logical and wise for me and my whole self.

Last year at this time, I was starting the new year with a fresh clean slate also. But it almost didn't seem real. It was as if I was going through a sort of trial period in a new lifestyle. More than a year in recovery now, I know how hard it really is. How many, many peaks and valleys there are to get through. I have learned that self forgiveness is a survival tool, not a frivolity. That may sound ridiculous to most, but to many of us afflicted with any addiction, but especially EDs, it is one of our greatest challenges. So, we just have to do it, over and over and over again...until it's more comfortable and a natural knee-jerk reaction to set-backs in our lives that we feel responsible for. We're good at accepting tons of responsibility, but not forgiving ourselves when we don't do as well as we'd hoped to. So that's something i'm really focusing on this year.

The other thing i am truly focused on fully is being alive in my moment and grateful for all my blessings. For me, this means looking in the mirror daily and rather than picking my self to pieces, smiling and thanking God for giving me a healthy, strong body. I come from a family with many physical issues. My mom died when she was only 8 yrs older than me now from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and my father lives with Multiple Sclerosis for nearly 30 yrs now. I cannot take for granted the grace and blessing bestowed upon me for having a strong, well-functioning, healthy body and mind. This basic standard of life that many of us take for granted until it's no longer there...is something of a much larger importance than the size of my jeans or the number on the scale (although i have not even stepped foot on one for about a year now). Walking, breathing, laughing, crying, hugging, loving, holding my children, petting my dog...all these things are sooooooo much better and more important than the silly, vanity driven, emptiness that Eating Disorders create in our souls. Living in the moment and falling in LOVE with life and all the beauty inside of it and inside of ME is magical. And this kind of love propels me into the world of positivity and strength and purpose that I deserve. That we ALL deserve.

So the experimental year is done. This year it's sunk in. I'm in recovery. I'm healing. I'm not pretending anymore. That doesn't mean i won't slip. That doesn't mean i won't falter. But what it does mean is that i continue to evolve, grow and embrace my true self. And once the butterfly emerges from the cocoon, it can never go back to being a caterpillar. Nope. And thankfully, who'd want to? I love my new wings, i love my new life and i'm working really, really, REALLY hard to love my new body too.

So here's to us - and our good health...this year, and always! Cheers! <3