i planned out and used symptoms yesterday. i've actually used everyday for the past 5 days i think. i have been communicating with another woman from my group who is also in a bad place and i laughed that we are like the blind leading the blind. she's lost hope. i haven't lost hope. maybe i never had any. but i think i have. yeah, i totally have...and do at times. i guess i'm more in a lack of trust place - which is always my common theme. my nutritionist and i have settled on a calorie level that is supposed to help me stabilize - but i still don't want to do it. It's not fast enough for ED. ED wants to restrict until we can't stand the hunger any longer, and then B&P and restrict all over again. That's my cycle. Works well for me - my body starts eating away at itself quickly and the fluff just magically melts away. Not good, i know. Eating my muscle first, leaving me dizzy, dehydrated, stupid electrolyte levels, flirting with cardiac "situations". How is it that my comfort zone can be somewhere so dangerous? Seems similar to the definition of insanity, doesn't it?
Well, today i'm going to the NIN/Jane's Addiction show with my friends. They gave me a tix for my b-day. Supposed to be sunny. I'm worried about being the fattest one among all the skinny rockers there. Terrible that i find comfort in knowing that there are a lot of fat "goth" folks who will be there for NIN. Relieves the stress from my mind at the moment. At least it won't be so hot i have to wear shorts. Jeans it is....whew!
sorry this is dark - i hate putting up that side of me. i'd rather write/say/act all "shiny, happy, people holding hands" all the time. But that's not very realistic, nor is it healthy or helpful. so i'm trying to write the good, the bad and the ugly. so help me god.
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