i'm in a really bad place. i don't want to be - i'm doing all i can to try and be positive. but my body image and how i feel about being heavier is controlling the emotional reins in my soul at the moment. i feel angry. and tired. angry that i am so profoundly controlled by this disease. exhausted in a lifelong, 28 year battle of fighting it...fighting myself. wishing i could just be a "normal" girl, without weight issues, over-examination of myself, rational thoughts of body image and perhaps even a mind free and confident enough to believe i am worth so much MORE than what i look like. And though deep inside i do know that, there is always this threshold of belief...where self worth and value become muddled with self esteem and vanity.
i am sad. i am tired. i am angry. i am broken.
i have a beautiful, wonderful, abundant life and because of this stupid, horrible disease, i am unble to fully live it. and i'm just so tired of fighting. really. the outside world (meaning the ED free/addictionless masses) have no idea how exhausting it is inside our minds. What it is like to fight this demon day in and day out....happy when we defeat it, giddy when we follow it, sad when we listen to it, uncomfortable when we are without it. Its all so convoluted and gray and swirled into a muddled mess of emotion and self doubt and anger....that its hard to see the light sometimes. Is there any light? People claim there is, and i've felt fleeting moments of its clarity and calmness before - but its never lingered too long. i want an ED-ectomy.
and i hate summer, i've decided. and i look romantically back at last summer, when i was the sickest and the thinnest and wore bikinis and tiny little sundresses and felt so confident and sexy - even though i could blink my eyelashes and pass out from exertion. why is that so romantic? why do i want to live that way again? it's so empowering, that's why. but why does it have to be a choice? why isn't it easier to choosy healthy me over sick me? it should be easy, no? it would be an easy choice for a non-diseased person. and it's easy to encourage those around us who are like me. yeah....i should really change the name of the blog to narcissistic masochist. Ha! Say that ten times fast.
when looking back at the pics when you are the sickest do you remember the pain as well?
ReplyDeleteI look back and think
GOD I WAS SO HOT
but then i also remember at what cost i was, what price i paid and it makes me so sad... how i was not really living and the things I missed out on truly enjoying because of my sick thin obsession.
maybe write a list of all the things that sucked about ED so that when u romanticize about it... the list counteracts it?
- anaon #2
Yes, good point. But you know, and we talk about this in my group often, at a certain point the illness just makes you forget all the bad stuff....kind of like childbirth. You forget the pain. I know i'm having a terrible case of Summertime Blues - love the summer, hating all the exposure of the new, bigger me. Trying to fight ED. Just getting mad that i even have to at times, ya know. Thanks for reading and writing though...means a bunch! xoxo t
ReplyDeleteno prob i enjoy reading your blog, a blog about someone's struggle for recovery.
ReplyDeleteI know i have some sort of ED have had it for at least 11 years, since I was 16. but it comes and goes in bouts. I am usually a healthy weight, so no one suspects, (although when i was the sickest/lowest weight everyone was alarmed)
I don't know how to break the cycle...
its like an old familiar friend...
i like reading your blog because it gives me hope (no matter how dark u might feel your writing/posts are) it still gives me hope.
maybe one day i can be normal-ish? about food.
but i also feel i'm not really sick because my BMI is "normal" so i dont need help.
please keep writing.
Anon #2