Repost from Oct. 24, 2008

this has been a rough week for me. my ED voice has been roaring loud...begging for me to come back, restrict and use bad behaviors. You're getting fat, he tells me...and despite having given up my scale a month ago in Program, i went to the gym for the first time yesterday and couldn't resists it's call to me. it was not a good thing to do. i am heavier than i suspected - past my "scary" number - way past what i went into the hospital at. Yeah, my jeans and clothes all fit just fine. People tell me i look good, better than when i was admitted, even though i'm almost 10 lbs heavier now. i was telling Pyx yesterday, in hysterics, that at that moment, i'd rather be sick and a smaller number, than healthy and a bigger number. My skinny jeans still fit? I don't even "get" that! i feel like a house....giant and flabby and horrible and unattractive. All because I got on that stupid piece of machinery. And not only did i get on that scale, I hated that number so much and was convinced that it MUST BE WRONG....that I ran downstairs to the other locker room and weighed myself on that scale too. Same shitty number! i got very depressed. Decided not to eat the rest of the day. Called all my supporters and talked to them about my knowing insanity and intent of sabotage. They all told me the right stuff - but it didn't work. I was so convinced that I am disgusting because of that number that I couldn't even really absorb it. I wanted to wallow. I wanted to numb out. i wanted to self destruct at a deafening rate. all bad things.

why is a stupid number so important to me? why does my entire self-esteem depend on that number? why, no matter how many people tell me the right things, do i only hear ED sometimes? And why, even though i'm very intelligent, educated, exp'd and motivated to be healthy...why is it that sometimes the only "person" i can truly hear is ED?

Well, i got up today on the right side of the bed Happy, motivated, positive and determined to stay healthy and choose life. I've eaten my breakfast, written in my journal and rubbed my touchstone that says LIFE on one side and TRUST on the other - both of which are crucial choices in my recovery. i'm not writing all of this to bum you out, or in search of any kind of pity. Please.....that's so NOT what i want to do here. But maybe this helps me to write about it. Maybe i'll help someone else who doesn't understand why this happens to them, or to the one they love or care about. Maybe this is just a written "purge" or public admittance of my sins. I am a recovery Catholic, remember. Old habits are hard to break! LOL

Anyway, thank god it's Friday. It's getting COLD and the leaves are falling and so beautiful. The air is crisp and my "baby" scorpio girl turns 8! I can hardly believe it! She is so beautiful and sweet and huggable and bright. I'm so lucky to be her mommy. We made cupcakes last night and she brought them in to class today. And I also get to attend "pumpkin day" in my son's first grade class this afternoon. There will be pumpkin pie, ice cream, bread, cake (mine) and seeds....a perfect afternoon for a struggling eating disorder parent! HAHAHA

Have a great weekend! Grow the love and pass it around....xoxo