today was her service
i couldn't say goodbye, i'm still in shock and disbelief i think
in group therapy we shed many tears
some were angry, some were quiet
i was numb and couldn't stop crying for the entire hour, or day for that matter
there were people there who admitted they were jealous that she succeeded in death
this is a fucking twisted and sick disease
the winner of the game (the best ED addict) is the dead one
sadly, my friend H won this time
but there will be many more, probably even from my group
but i don't want to be that kind of winner
and i'm all numbed out from the xanax
and i am all cried out for this moment
even though the tears always find me again
i am empty and numb and guilty and sad and angry and confused and hurting
i want her back
i want to hug her again and tell her she's beautiful, inside and out
and i wish i could have saved her
but i can only save me
I am so sorry for your loss. This disease is so horrific and unforgiving. Please know that although I don't know you, I believe that you can win this battle...
ReplyDeletei'm sorry i am just seeing this message. Thank you Ellie! i appreciate your inspiring and caring encouragement. ED is horrible, evil and doesn't ever give us what we need. This is something we need to constantly remember in our daily recovery. It's the hardest thing, because his methods are so sneaky and powerful, but should we choose to...we can defeat him. With this, i too agree! xoxo t
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