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it's monday. and i seem to have been having a pity party for a week. but after having taken account of all my blessings and including my new body that is healthy and disease free - albeit bigger than i am currently comfortable with...i've decided that today is a new day and a fresh start. So.....i'm having a healthy breakfast - going to follow my meal plan and write everything down today. After bkfst i'm taking my dog with me and going for a brisk walk in the beautiful sunshine! Then a shower and off to see my nutritionist, whom i miss, and with whom i shall discuss my plans and goals.

tomorrow i'm running a blood drive for my kid's school and community, so I have to finish doing as much prep for that is necessary the rest of today. All and all, i am feel fresh, renewed, re-committed and worthwhile of all the (self) love and work needed to get me to a safer, stronger, healthier place.

Carpe Diem! xoxo t

Hope is a four letter word

i planned out and used symptoms yesterday. i've actually used everyday for the past 5 days i think. i have been communicating with another woman from my group who is also in a bad place and i laughed that we are like the blind leading the blind. she's lost hope. i haven't lost hope. maybe i never had any. but i think i have. yeah, i totally have...and do at times. i guess i'm more in a lack of trust place - which is always my common theme. my nutritionist and i have settled on a calorie level that is supposed to help me stabilize - but i still don't want to do it. It's not fast enough for ED. ED wants to restrict until we can't stand the hunger any longer, and then B&P and restrict all over again. That's my cycle. Works well for me - my body starts eating away at itself quickly and the fluff just magically melts away. Not good, i know. Eating my muscle first, leaving me dizzy, dehydrated, stupid electrolyte levels, flirting with cardiac "situations". How is it that my comfort zone can be somewhere so dangerous? Seems similar to the definition of insanity, doesn't it?

Well, today i'm going to the NIN/Jane's Addiction show with my friends. They gave me a tix for my b-day. Supposed to be sunny. I'm worried about being the fattest one among all the skinny rockers there. Terrible that i find comfort in knowing that there are a lot of fat "goth" folks who will be there for NIN. Relieves the stress from my mind at the moment. At least it won't be so hot i have to wear shorts. Jeans it is....whew!

sorry this is dark - i hate putting up that side of me. i'd rather write/say/act all "shiny, happy, people holding hands" all the time. But that's not very realistic, nor is it healthy or helpful. so i'm trying to write the good, the bad and the ugly. so help me god.

Broken

i'm in a really bad place. i don't want to be - i'm doing all i can to try and be positive. but my body image and how i feel about being heavier is controlling the emotional reins in my soul at the moment. i feel angry. and tired. angry that i am so profoundly controlled by this disease. exhausted in a lifelong, 28 year battle of fighting it...fighting myself. wishing i could just be a "normal" girl, without weight issues, over-examination of myself, rational thoughts of body image and perhaps even a mind free and confident enough to believe i am worth so much MORE than what i look like. And though deep inside i do know that, there is always this threshold of belief...where self worth and value become muddled with self esteem and vanity.
i am sad. i am tired. i am angry. i am broken.
i have a beautiful, wonderful, abundant life and because of this stupid, horrible disease, i am unble to fully live it. and i'm just so tired of fighting. really. the outside world (meaning the ED free/addictionless masses) have no idea how exhausting it is inside our minds. What it is like to fight this demon day in and day out....happy when we defeat it, giddy when we follow it, sad when we listen to it, uncomfortable when we are without it. Its all so convoluted and gray and swirled into a muddled mess of emotion and self doubt and anger....that its hard to see the light sometimes. Is there any light? People claim there is, and i've felt fleeting moments of its clarity and calmness before - but its never lingered too long. i want an ED-ectomy.
and i hate summer, i've decided. and i look romantically back at last summer, when i was the sickest and the thinnest and wore bikinis and tiny little sundresses and felt so confident and sexy - even though i could blink my eyelashes and pass out from exertion. why is that so romantic? why do i want to live that way again? it's so empowering, that's why. but why does it have to be a choice? why isn't it easier to choosy healthy me over sick me? it should be easy, no? it would be an easy choice for a non-diseased person. and it's easy to encourage those around us who are like me. yeah....i should really change the name of the blog to narcissistic masochist. Ha! Say that ten times fast.

Dia de las Madres

Happy Mother's Day to all the lovely women in my life. It doesn't matter if you are an actual mother or not. Just being a daughter of Mother Nature is all we need to be collective Mothers in the Universe. Women...we are something really special. Crazy sometimes for sure....(hahaha) but strong and amazing and talented and beautiful beyond belief in so many ways.

i have soooooooo many wonderful women in my life. i think having lost my own mother so young, i was blessed by the Universe with the gift of attracting, recognizing and nurturing really amazing friendships with some outstanding women throughout my life. My own mother had much to do with many of these connections as well. My mom was a farm girl from South Dakota who married a Naval officer to get the heck out of there. She was so proud of me for being brave enough at 18 to move to the East Coast alone following the band i loved so much (bonus points if you know who that was) and for being secure enough to follow my dreams and take that chance. But really, now that i look back, she was hardly any different. Sadly, she married a man who wasn't the right match for her to get out...but she had me and my brother and ended up building an independent life she was proud of. She was very open minded and forward thinking...so far ahead of her time. After divorcing my Dad in 1980, she put herself through grad school and got her MSW. She started out in geriatrics, working for a hospice organization first and then VNA. She was on the board for Planned Parenthood and won many awards for her services for that organization - which at 12 or 13 - I had no idea the kind of meaningful and important work she did. When AIDS started to really raise its ugly head in Spokane, she shifted her focus to that and became one of the most preeminent social workers in the field. She immersed herself in the field and the heart-ache that accompanied it. All her clients were very sick, in so much pain and their lives falling apart around them. Mostly still gay men at the time, she stood in as the "best man" many wedding ceremonies, ate meals with their families, helped them with pain mgmt, lack of benefits and most importantly...to gather the last tragic bits of their lives and their dignity during a time of much prejudice, anger and shame. I don't know how you social workers or home health care workers do it. It's such a heart breaking career. But one that is sooooooo important and under-valued (and underpaid) by society. i know i couldn't do it. Anyway, because of my mother and her open mind and heart, my brother and i were given opportunities to know so many wonderful people far beyond the narrow confines of our teenage brains at the time, but whom i realize now were gifts that she created to surround us and help mold us long after she passed. Because of her, i have been adopted by so many strong, beautiful people whose descriptions include authors, artists, time travelers, witches, CEOs, psychic mediums, hippies turned activists....friends, mentors and many of whom are MOTHERS. So thank you, Mom! You were one of a kind. I am blessed to still have her mother here with me at age 91 and still in S.D. with whom i'm very close and for whom i am very grateful. She is a beautiful matriarch, great grandmother (my kids call her GG) and role model for my children - and although we're missing a generation with us on Earth - we're carrying on her message of love. And for that, i feel so blessed.

So thank you and Happy Mother's Day to all you lovely, beautiful women in my life. You know who you are! Your love, support, and commaraderie make (me and) the world go 'round.

xoxoxoxox t

*picture of an Iris that my daughter looked up on Wiki this morning. Irises were my mom's fave flower and last year i planted rhizomes for her in my yard and they are about to bloom, either today or tomorrow. Which, as my daughter pointed out, is just perfect for Mother's Day! It is, isn't it????? Life is a beautiful thing...enjoy it!

Inside my head

is a scary place to be
i wish i could get out of here
take me hostage....please!
save me from myself
don't worry that way
i'll get through this dark moment
with every peak there is a valley
where the sunlight shines warm upon my face
and although i'm crawling upwards
(okay, maybe sideways)
i sometimes get stuck in the confines of ED
a personal hell of vanity and contradiction
a slave to something wicked and cruel
Something so shallow,
it goes against all that in which i believe
for everything and everyone else
but there are different standards for me
no forgiveness or understanding or slack
and i hate that recovery is so hard
every minute of every day of every week
it is overwhelming at times
And oh how i hate that i'd rather be SICK and skinny
than 15 lbs up and a size or two bigger
AND healthy!!!!
*sighs*
but deep inside, part of me still wants that
the mean, scrutinizing, self depricating me
and she's in my head today
and alot lately, with a big LOUD voice
maybe that's why i love rock-n-roll so much
it drowns the bad voices out
and makes me happy and ALIVE in the moment
which is a lovely thing
a very beautiful thing

Howdy y'all!

i just returned from a lovely spring break vacation in San Antonio with my family! What a beautiful city full of the loveliest people you'd ever want to meet. The town is very friendly, super clean, easier to get around and full of life and love. We stayed at the Drury Inn on the Riverwalk and it was just perfect. Two pools, a great breakfast buffet and free drinks and appies each night for happy hour. We went to The Alamo, The Tower of the Americas and Sea World. Each was a wonderful experience. We didn't rent a car, which was a first for us, but I was glad we didn't. This is a walking city - almost everywhere can be traveled to by foot and the paths around the Riverwalk are just gorgeous, decorated by waterfalls, beautiful vegetation and lots of festive and pretty restaurants, shops and hotels. The weather couldn't have been more perfect - in the 80s all days except Thursday where it was 95! Luckily, we were at Sea World that day so we got lots of splashes from the shows and rides.

There was Bar-B-Q and tex-mex food galore - and the tequila flowed like water. i tried to not stress over it all. Tried to drink more than i ate, and not worry about the clothes (and me) not looking like i would want them to. It was my first time in summer clothes since the hospital, and the preparation for the trip (clothes wise) was a bit stressful. Some of it was as bad as i expected and some of it was okay - not any of it "great" - but okay. Obviously, none of my sick clothes fit anymore at all. And my jeans have been a big source of stress lately as i've been feeling (to put it nicely) very large. So, i decided that spring break would be a jeans-free zone. I didn't bring any on the trip. I brought only shorts (longish ones) and sundresses and it was cool for the most part. I did have to tackle the swimsuit issue, and forced myself to do it for my family. I swam with the kids every single day, sometimes twice a day and although a bit uncomfortable with my fluffier self, i did it.

And yes, Ed was on vacation with us too. And now that my husband knows about it, Ed tries to pull him into our conversations. Is my butt as big as her butt? Is she bigger or smaller than me? Hubby would even catch me looking and analyzing myself or someone else and would know, before i said anything that Ed was mind-fucking me again...and would pull me over into his arms and say "Stop it right now! You are beautiful. Stop sabotaging yourself. I love you." Yes, i'm a lucky woman to have him. And i could see how wearing it was for him to now be hyper aware of the sickness in my head...that is my life. And sometimes when i would say sick words, i could feel the dismay about him wondering how in the hell i could possibly think like this so much of the day. Of course, little does he know...i only let out one tiny little fraction of those sicko thoughts HAHAHA! But i lived. i made it through my first "recovery" vacation. i'm still symptom free and alive :-) And i have lovely memories of playing in the pool with my kids and sharing margaritas with my husband, rather than dark, icky memories of disordered behaviors.

That's one giant victory for me, and one enormous defeat for ED!
YaY me!!!

Now i'm back from the vaca and slowly sinking back into normal mode. We had a low key Easter, as we're recovering Catholics and aren't raising our children Christian - so it was just an Easter Basket/Bunny thing in the a.m. and we made a small family dinner last night. Kids weren't ready to go back to school this morning, but i sure was ready for them to go! i got over to my nutritionist's office where we talked about my first vacation in recovery, the challenges, the triumphs, etc. Then i went to the gym and worked out hard and feel really happy that i did. YAY!!!

I hope you had a good holiday and are feeling strong.

TGIF - and warm!!!!

Yep, it feels like spring today. Going to be 63 and sunnyish. I'll take it - and am loving it already today. Rode the kids to school on bikes and then came home and zipped over to make my fave spin class of the week. But Rachel, our reg Friday instructor wasn't there - and it was another who is very nice, but is like a gerbil on speed. She's definitely got issues - and it was her second spin class of the day and then she was training with someone on weights and then she talked about running 1.5 miles each way to pick up her daughter from school (3 miles total - all hill work). I mean really....that's just not normal. Don't get me wrong, i've BEEN there! But i'm not there now, nor do i want to go back. Plus she always talks about calories and how you can burn more. I wish they'd really just shut the hell up and lead the class sometimes. But I pushed really hard in class - and it felt great. Then i grabbed a cup of coffee and met my good friend at her job, a record label, where she told me that they were all told they'd be let go in May'ish. She just relocated from the Germany office, and she has lots of connections and opps. One of them is starting her own gig, which I may go in on. We'll see. But anyway....i feel badly because i know everyone in the office and many of the bands on the label. These are hard times, for sure.

I got real pissed at a friend of mine the other day who put on her facebook account that she was pissed that the House passed the 90% Bonus taxation bill. This, mind you, only affects those companies who accepted TARP money to bail them out. And it's only for families who make more than $250,000 annually. I reminded her of this, and she said YAY, lucky me, i work for Citigroup. Yeah - well (i wanted to say) fucking count your blessings cuz you 1) still have a job, 2) make a quarter million bucks or more a year, and 3) that's TAXPAYER money you don't deserve to keep...so shut the fuck up!

I have so many friends out of work. Friends going into foreclosure on their homes. People that are going to be okay - but times are tough. So it's really sad to me that she's so selfish and unaffected by the world to actually make a public complaint about that. *sigh*

Then there is that horribly tragic story about that family whose plane crashed in Montana going to ski with their grandparents. I watched one of the other family members (a father on the other side) on the Today show this morning. Those poor people - they lost 13 of their family members all at once. And like the man talked about today, the pilot is being villianized rather than mourned for like he should. Evidently, the media is saying that the plane was overloaded, but in reality it was not over weight because 7 of the passengers were small children. My heart goes out to all the remaining family - this must be beyond devastating, and another reminder that tomorrow is never promised to us, so we have to live engaged lives today!

So let's regroup - refocus. Life is hard, but it is beautiful. Let's remember what is really important. Let's be thankful for our health and the love in our lives. Let's live in the MOMENT, build the love and share it with the world....and smile like there's no tomorrow, because we never know what's around the next corner so make today matter.

Peace and Love to you all.....
xoxoxoxo t