A great week

Its been a really great week for me controlling ED, rather than the other way around. i've been exercising moderately (45-50 min) 4 times a week or so...a bit of cardio but more strength training to tone up. it definitely makes me feel stronger and have better body image. Plus the endorphins alone are worth it for me. I just feel so much happier when i am using my body in such a positive way. The key is moderation for me....with everything i guess. LOL

i organized a show last night that went quite well and although no real money was made - but a lot of new connections and friendships were cultivated, which is always good! So yay for us.

My support group meeting was good this week. Some really amazing people in my group and such unconditional love and support! I feel very blessed to be a part of them. A new woman joined us this week, and she's just embarked on her road to recovery. Ugh, such a hard time the beginning is. Realizing that what you consider your best friend and salvation is actually trying to kill you...that's a tough thing to accept. A year and a half into my recovery and i still totally have the days i want to go back. The days i CHOOSE to slip and regress. But i always get up, dust myself off and start over - because living in your disorder is truly living in HELL. I can't believe i did it for so long. And that saying that even your worst day in recovery is better than your best day in your disorder....god, nothing could be more true. I mean, yeah...ED tries (and is still sometimes successful) convincing me that living on the dark side is bliss. And that's when the addiction part is so evident to me. How would anyone willfully CHOOSE to starve, hurt, ache, self-abuse and mentally torture oneself? The only way you can possibly give into such masochism is via an addiction or disease. There is no other logical way - unless we're just plain kooky - which of course may be slightly valid as well! Hahahaha.

Anyway, the silver lining in all of this is that in my journey of recovery - i have met some of the most amazing men and women on Earth. The tiniest of bodies carrying the strongest of wills. So much bravery, heart and moxie that i never would have met in different walks of life - if it hadn't been for our EDs. So for that i am thankful. If you haven't met those kinds of people yet in your life, reach out...they are there. Those kinds of connections in friendship, i believe, are sprinkled around us by God/the Universe and are the little sparkly easter eggs we find when we need them most. But you have to be open and receptive and willing to share too - and you'll be pleasantly surprised by the lessons you learn from each other. It's quite beautiful when you discover new blessings in your life and you become overtly grateful for them. When this happens, even in the simplest of matters, life gives you more goodness. It is law. So just try it - i promise you'll be greatly rewarded.

And so i begin my weekend steeped in love. I am loved and i love myself. I am taking care of me instead of sabotaging myself - inside and out. The more i practice self love and trust in my recovery - the more i will be able to trust myself...which will beautifully spill over into every other part of my life. And i am so happy to be able to recognize how much i deserve that now.

And so do you. So start (or restart even) today! Right this minute.
Happy weekend!

~*~*~TABLA RASA~*~*~

Focus, living in the moment, purpose, constantly becoming something new and improved, a work in progress, the continuation of my metamorphosis. my wings are still damp and fragile...but gaining in strength each day, each moment. Love has brought me me so many blessings and strength. It has lifted me up when i was too weak to do so myself. And although the journey is treacherous...the good days outnumber the bad now, and i feel momentum and power building.

You, who are my friends; You, who are my loves; You, who bathe me in comfort and white light...thank you so very much! So many of you have reached out to me, shared your stories, shared your lives....your real lives - not just your "blog" stories. The people i adore and admire, made of sweet flesh, warm smiles and inspiration.

The one universal thing that certainly ties us all together is that we are resilient! We are colorful and brave! We believe in running toward the prize with all of the power and confidence and strength we can muster, despite the inevitable obstacles before us. We help lift each other up, so that we may grab onto our own shining star and fly as HIGH as our imaginations will take us! And each and every one of us deserves NOTHING less. Accept nothing less. Live with no regrets!

So here's to us in 2010 and making exactly that happen. For you, and for me....for those we have loved and lost, this year and always, whose spirits continue to inspire us each day to be better human beings. May we be abundantly selfless, generous, loving and forgiving...not only to our spouses, friends, co-workers and children - but to ourselves.

Especially to ourselves. Let the love start there. Tabla Rasa, my friends.

Happy New Year! xoxo

tabla erasa

it's monday. and i seem to have been having a pity party for a week. but after having taken account of all my blessings and including my new body that is healthy and disease free - albeit bigger than i am currently comfortable with...i've decided that today is a new day and a fresh start. So.....i'm having a healthy breakfast - going to follow my meal plan and write everything down today. After bkfst i'm taking my dog with me and going for a brisk walk in the beautiful sunshine! Then a shower and off to see my nutritionist, whom i miss, and with whom i shall discuss my plans and goals.

tomorrow i'm running a blood drive for my kid's school and community, so I have to finish doing as much prep for that is necessary the rest of today. All and all, i am feel fresh, renewed, re-committed and worthwhile of all the (self) love and work needed to get me to a safer, stronger, healthier place.

Carpe Diem! xoxo t