Loving u, loving me...

It's been years since I've blogged here. Its been a busy few years. Separation, going back to work full-time, Sandy, Divorce hell, fighting to keep my home, new job,  new (un)marital status, new love, losing my best friend, and as always...the old demons / old fight.

This blog was my cathartic place once. It was a place to release it all...and maybe it can be that again. My life is on the upswing for sure...but even after 5 yrs in recovery...I still struggle. One would think that it would get easier every day further into one's recovery. In some ways that is very true. Until it's not. Then we're screwed. :-/

How do we explain to "the others" the way ED makes us feel broken and angry and sad and conflicted and powerless...while knowing still, how happy and loved and proud and strong we actually are? I mostly do a shitty job of it; ask my boyfriend.  I come off like a moody and confused, destructive and extremely fragile crazy lady during most of my crisis moments. (poor guy) When we first started dating...I divulged. First date actually...and his response was basically something to the effect of he having had experience with an eating disordered person. 'Twas familiar ground, he thought...but not truly.  In fact, despite my efforts to share, educate, and communicate with him...his actions rarely feel sensitive towards me in my recovery. I love him truly...he is the best man i have ever loved. Amazing, tender, smart, funny, sexy and so in love with me (and vice versa) but mostly just oblivious to supporting me in my recovery. This is probably common among addiction afflicted families. But it hurts to feel like everything you have shared and asked your partner for help with, has gone in one ear and never registered within that One you consider your lifeline.

Then the disappointment and feeling of solitude sets in. As if no one gets it. No one cares. No one ever will. Except ED. Awwww shit. I feckin' hate ED!

my weirdness

And he calls it just that. says he loves me despite my weirdness, even though i don't...most of the time. it has gotten tons better - but is always lurking, poking at me, trying to pull me back in. And trying to relay the kinds of feelings that happen when you introduce big gianormous food-related holidays to a recovering ED-like person...is just horrid. No one gets it...unless you're a bird of the flock. I mean some TRY, and others irritate the fuck out of me while they (so call "try"). LOL

DISCLAIMER: I should probably say right now that i'm in a bad state of mental being and have been regressing mentally due to some "arguments" with people i love about ED. You are hereby warned that this commentary is/may be triggering and negative.

Yeah, the other people....and trying to explain it to them. Well.....that plain just sucks.
its bad enough we have to live it...let alone try and explain our severely-fucked-up-ness. yeah....shame is the first thing that comes to mind. "Hey, just when you thought i was cool...you know, a strong, motivated, intelligent, hip, kind of girl..."
you find out about it. the FLAW. The weirdness. The disease. A mental disease, i should add.
Ha! Am i smelling like a rose? NO sir-ee.
And for me, that's when the pull comes. Calling me back, luring me into its web...cuz if i have to describe myself as such, then i must be. and if i'm not that anymore, then who the hell am i? ya know?
I know, it's stupid. Really really lame, and shallow and ignorant and weak and yeah...a sort of self-wallowing pity party, isn't it?
It makes me SICK. How about you? Speaking of which...since i already feel sick and weak and ashamed, well then, i might as well BE sick and weak! Ya know, for old times sake. Or not? Well, maybe just this once. I mean really....who would know? Besides me.
But yeah, there's me. I would know. And now i've gone and told every (mostly non-existent) person in Blogland. Well FUCK ME! Look what you went and DID!
(yes i know that's improper english, folks. we're over-achievers remember? super smart for the most part!)
So what now?
There's this brick wall i'm looking at. And it's kind of brutal. Solid. Big. Too tall to get over? Or is it?
Hmmmm....
FML

Gifts...

Hello to you all - and big hugs!!!! i have obviously not been around. Life has been mostly good, albeit quite hectic. I'm doing well and staying clean and healthy, which is a big bonus. I have 3 jobs now (not including the housewife/mom roles) and roller-skate between the three during the week. I am still in the music business doing sales support and promo for a few labels; i am partnered up with taboopleasures.com and we are going gang-busters with our new website, conventions and local events. Please check out the site - we have the absolute BEST prices on Pleaser Shoes, Allure, Leather and Elegant Moments apparel, and a HUGE assortment of toys and all things fetish! And the third mini-career of mine is obviously the most important as its my husband's new Energy Management company, specializing in solar, electrical and home/building efficiency. So far, things are going pretty well...and hopefully as the economy grows, so will our business! EvergreenSolarElectric.com!!!

I've had some family challenges recently. My "adopted" father passed away suddenly on Nov. 22nd. That was really tough on the kids and me - but i was happy we all spent some great quality time with him over the past summer. This is my kiddos first experience with losing someone close to them, that they loved...so its been pretty heart-wrenching to witness. The day of his memorial service, i also learned that my Grandmother (mom's mom) was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She's 93 y.o. and as she said "gotta die from something" so she's chosen not to undergo any kind of treatment. She lives in South Dakota, so I plan to go visit her with my lil brother soon - the prognosis (unofficially since she refused a biopsy) is about 6-12 mos, or in her own words "sooner rather than later". Again, another hard blow for my kids, especially my daughter who just adores her GG and "gets" her matriarchal standing in our family. Plus, she just thinks she's super cool - which she is! It makes me kind of sad because of her direct link to my mother (who died when i was 24), but she is 93 and has outlived most of her friends and family and is quite at peace with leaving this Earth and moving on up....so i can't be too sad for her! I feel very very blessed to have developed such a beautiful, loving relationship with her as a woman. She's taught us all so much, been an amazing role model and has lived through so much tragedy in her life, one cannot truly understand the inner strength she possesses, but it certainly is admirable. She has entered into the hospice program and will be cared for that way, at home, until she passes over.

On a happy, wonderful, good note - i was also notified (on the same exact day - pretty cosmic methinks!) that after much testing and surveys and paperwork, I have been chosen as the bone marrow donor for an anonymous 9 year-old boy who has acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL). I joined the Bone Marrow Registry in september, i think, and by Oct was notified as a potential match for this child. Of course, I was thrilled and have undergone the follow-up match testing and was finally told that we are a perfect match and they would like me to be the donor! What an amazing feeling...i can hardly explain. I'm over the moon with joy.

Tomorrow is my physical work-up at Mt. Sinai Hospital in NYC, prior to the donation date of Jan. 10th. I'm a bit nervous about the medical part - i haven't been on a scale in 2 yrs and have no real idea of my weight. I have a guesstimate # in my head, but don't want/need to know for real. I plan on explaining this to the medical team very EXPLICITLY and will do what i need to do to protect myself in the exam, whether it be standing backwards on the scale or what-have-you. I unfortunately know what size I am currently and though uncomfortable in my #, i've resigned myself to the peace of not knowing my actual weight. I also asked my husband to help protect this request tomorrow, as he will be with me for the physical. Anyway, that little tiny issue is soooo minor compared to the concept of helping this child live a happy, healthy life. I'm working hard to accept that and focus on the good things - and honestly the past several months i've felt sooo blessed, so peaceful and so abundantly loved that i've not focused too much on the petty, silly, disordered chaos that ED can create.

Life is so good! YAY....

I wish you all a warm, safe, happy and healthy holiday season and 2011! Focus on the good things, not the evil....and shoot for the stars. Life is beautiful - live it, love it and do it all with much JOY!

xoxoxo t

And i ran....

Today i ran for the first time since Aug of 2008, when i was admitted to the EDU at Somerset Hospital. The temperature and humidity are down today - so my dog Buzz and i left on a little outdoor journey that took us about 3 1/2 miles. We didn't jog the whole way, it was more like a minute or two running and a minute of walking, repeat. It felt really good being "okay" with that. Pushing myself a bit, but not feeling so driven that I was out of control. Pearl Jam was playing in my iPod and Buzz kept me in check by stopping and sitting down like a mule here and there when he just had enough.

On our outing, i saw Sarah, a neighbor who is "running disordered" (i think i just made that up) and runs too much with another friend of mine from town. They spend all their time and energy prepping and running marathons all over the country - but complain that they never have time to do anything fun in their lives and are only ever thinking about the next "burn". Those are the people i've had to really cut out of my life. Living in a wealthy town where most of the women (other moms) don't work - the focus is almost always on their bodies. The latest hot yoga class they took, the new diet they are on, their new trainer/gym/workout, etc. I've really lessened my time and conversations with them and most don't know i've had ED in my life for nearly 30 years. Anyway, as I passed Sarah jogging, i suddenly felt insecure. She's sooooooo thin and i'm not anymore. I've had very bad body image lately and have been just trying to tone up with moderate exercise and not using any of the disordered dieting that has been my crutch and resolve all my life. god, it's sooooo f'ing hard. i've even had to start writing a food journal again, for my fear of eating too much or too little. I know this is a good thing, that I'm using the methods and coping skills i've been taught by my team...but its still so mentally devastating at times to just live with this disease and feel almost helpless (even though i'm not) against it.

blecht.

Plus i'm going home to see my family on the west coast in about 2 weeks. there is definitely part of me (ED) begging to drop some pounds before i go. i'm afraid of being judged for being bigger than i was when i saw them last, which was 3 mos before i was admitted to the hospital. Realistically i know that i'm not THAT much bigger than i was then, maybe a size and a half...but knowing how my family operates, i'm hesitant and feeling quite insecure. But, being aware and preparing for it mentally is half the battle - and i am truly doing it for my kiddos - so they can see their grandparents, aunts and uncles. I just have to remember that.

Be well, be happy and live in your moment!
xoxo t

Spousal sabotage

i've had a rough couple of days. Not only has Mercury (my ruling planet) been retrograde (which wreaks havoc on us all) but my husband, usually the sweetest most supportive and loving person on Earth, has been vicious in his attacks on me with ED related commentary. Hitting below the belt, and hard. The first comment that hurt me terribly, was a stupid mistake. One that he should have never made - and as horribly as it was not to fly backwards in a self-destructive whirlwind - i can still recognize that it was a "dumb" moment. He blurted something out that he knows better than to do, and it should NEVER have popped up in his mind as an option of response.

But last night's comment was in anger and in pursuit of my pain and suffering. And he did it in a way that was damaging to everyone in our household, my children as well. And i don't know how to handle this. Without getting into excruitiating detail - i'll just say that he attacked me about my eating habits, on several levels, both while i was on the phone and in the presence of my children (who are 7&9 and don't know Mommy has an ED) and at the top of his lungs. Which, sadly, caused me to scream back and storm out of the house. Among the many things he yelled at me, the worst and most damaging was "You are not normal!" Really? Duh fucking ralph. But that was followed by "I am trying to teach you how to be normal." Well, last time i checked, that was my team's job. Cuz for the 15 yrs we've been together, you didn't even realize that i HAD an ED and have been active in it since i was 13. So...yeah, maybe my nutritionist/doctors are a better choice for the advice offers on recovery. But hey, thanks man.

shit.

Left the house. Went out with my friends - the ones who always lift me up when i'm on the floor - and tried to have a good evening. Came home, he was on the couch. No words exchanged - i went to bed. He slept on the couch. Came downstairs - still nothing. He left for work - nada.

What the hell. This sucks. I plan on making a family appt with my nutritionist for ASAP so that i may ask him to come. I don't understand the sudden hostility and the recent use of his "hitting below the belt" tactics. I wonder if others have gone thru this with spouses/friends/family. Any advice w/b much appreciato! xoxo

The New Year's Toast

Out for drinks one night, my friend who had bought me a shot of Patron, asked me what my resolution as for the new year. My response was/is "to be healthy both physically and mentally". And we cheered to this. A great goal, if i do say so myself. In past years it would have been something shallow or self-defeating in purpose. But this year, my goal is really truly to be strong and healthy and make choices that are logical and wise for me and my whole self.

Last year at this time, I was starting the new year with a fresh clean slate also. But it almost didn't seem real. It was as if I was going through a sort of trial period in a new lifestyle. More than a year in recovery now, I know how hard it really is. How many, many peaks and valleys there are to get through. I have learned that self forgiveness is a survival tool, not a frivolity. That may sound ridiculous to most, but to many of us afflicted with any addiction, but especially EDs, it is one of our greatest challenges. So, we just have to do it, over and over and over again...until it's more comfortable and a natural knee-jerk reaction to set-backs in our lives that we feel responsible for. We're good at accepting tons of responsibility, but not forgiving ourselves when we don't do as well as we'd hoped to. So that's something i'm really focusing on this year.

The other thing i am truly focused on fully is being alive in my moment and grateful for all my blessings. For me, this means looking in the mirror daily and rather than picking my self to pieces, smiling and thanking God for giving me a healthy, strong body. I come from a family with many physical issues. My mom died when she was only 8 yrs older than me now from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and my father lives with Multiple Sclerosis for nearly 30 yrs now. I cannot take for granted the grace and blessing bestowed upon me for having a strong, well-functioning, healthy body and mind. This basic standard of life that many of us take for granted until it's no longer there...is something of a much larger importance than the size of my jeans or the number on the scale (although i have not even stepped foot on one for about a year now). Walking, breathing, laughing, crying, hugging, loving, holding my children, petting my dog...all these things are sooooooo much better and more important than the silly, vanity driven, emptiness that Eating Disorders create in our souls. Living in the moment and falling in LOVE with life and all the beauty inside of it and inside of ME is magical. And this kind of love propels me into the world of positivity and strength and purpose that I deserve. That we ALL deserve.

So the experimental year is done. This year it's sunk in. I'm in recovery. I'm healing. I'm not pretending anymore. That doesn't mean i won't slip. That doesn't mean i won't falter. But what it does mean is that i continue to evolve, grow and embrace my true self. And once the butterfly emerges from the cocoon, it can never go back to being a caterpillar. Nope. And thankfully, who'd want to? I love my new wings, i love my new life and i'm working really, really, REALLY hard to love my new body too.

So here's to us - and our good health...this year, and always! Cheers! <3

~*~*~TABLA RASA~*~*~

Focus, living in the moment, purpose, constantly becoming something new and improved, a work in progress, the continuation of my metamorphosis. my wings are still damp and fragile...but gaining in strength each day, each moment. Love has brought me me so many blessings and strength. It has lifted me up when i was too weak to do so myself. And although the journey is treacherous...the good days outnumber the bad now, and i feel momentum and power building.

You, who are my friends; You, who are my loves; You, who bathe me in comfort and white light...thank you so very much! So many of you have reached out to me, shared your stories, shared your lives....your real lives - not just your "blog" stories. The people i adore and admire, made of sweet flesh, warm smiles and inspiration.

The one universal thing that certainly ties us all together is that we are resilient! We are colorful and brave! We believe in running toward the prize with all of the power and confidence and strength we can muster, despite the inevitable obstacles before us. We help lift each other up, so that we may grab onto our own shining star and fly as HIGH as our imaginations will take us! And each and every one of us deserves NOTHING less. Accept nothing less. Live with no regrets!

So here's to us in 2010 and making exactly that happen. For you, and for me....for those we have loved and lost, this year and always, whose spirits continue to inspire us each day to be better human beings. May we be abundantly selfless, generous, loving and forgiving...not only to our spouses, friends, co-workers and children - but to ourselves.

Especially to ourselves. Let the love start there. Tabla Rasa, my friends.

Happy New Year! xoxo

frustration, despair, hope, repeat....<3

That seems to be the pattern.
Knowing there's a pattern is beneficial, eh?
Shows us "proof" that time is sometimes our best ally.
Good stuff going on this week.
Can't perform well unless i'm healthy.
So just gotta do it....one foot in front of the other.
Monday is clean slate day!

Hope is a four letter word

i planned out and used symptoms yesterday. i've actually used everyday for the past 5 days i think. i have been communicating with another woman from my group who is also in a bad place and i laughed that we are like the blind leading the blind. she's lost hope. i haven't lost hope. maybe i never had any. but i think i have. yeah, i totally have...and do at times. i guess i'm more in a lack of trust place - which is always my common theme. my nutritionist and i have settled on a calorie level that is supposed to help me stabilize - but i still don't want to do it. It's not fast enough for ED. ED wants to restrict until we can't stand the hunger any longer, and then B&P and restrict all over again. That's my cycle. Works well for me - my body starts eating away at itself quickly and the fluff just magically melts away. Not good, i know. Eating my muscle first, leaving me dizzy, dehydrated, stupid electrolyte levels, flirting with cardiac "situations". How is it that my comfort zone can be somewhere so dangerous? Seems similar to the definition of insanity, doesn't it?

Well, today i'm going to the NIN/Jane's Addiction show with my friends. They gave me a tix for my b-day. Supposed to be sunny. I'm worried about being the fattest one among all the skinny rockers there. Terrible that i find comfort in knowing that there are a lot of fat "goth" folks who will be there for NIN. Relieves the stress from my mind at the moment. At least it won't be so hot i have to wear shorts. Jeans it is....whew!

sorry this is dark - i hate putting up that side of me. i'd rather write/say/act all "shiny, happy, people holding hands" all the time. But that's not very realistic, nor is it healthy or helpful. so i'm trying to write the good, the bad and the ugly. so help me god.

Broken

i'm in a really bad place. i don't want to be - i'm doing all i can to try and be positive. but my body image and how i feel about being heavier is controlling the emotional reins in my soul at the moment. i feel angry. and tired. angry that i am so profoundly controlled by this disease. exhausted in a lifelong, 28 year battle of fighting it...fighting myself. wishing i could just be a "normal" girl, without weight issues, over-examination of myself, rational thoughts of body image and perhaps even a mind free and confident enough to believe i am worth so much MORE than what i look like. And though deep inside i do know that, there is always this threshold of belief...where self worth and value become muddled with self esteem and vanity.
i am sad. i am tired. i am angry. i am broken.
i have a beautiful, wonderful, abundant life and because of this stupid, horrible disease, i am unble to fully live it. and i'm just so tired of fighting. really. the outside world (meaning the ED free/addictionless masses) have no idea how exhausting it is inside our minds. What it is like to fight this demon day in and day out....happy when we defeat it, giddy when we follow it, sad when we listen to it, uncomfortable when we are without it. Its all so convoluted and gray and swirled into a muddled mess of emotion and self doubt and anger....that its hard to see the light sometimes. Is there any light? People claim there is, and i've felt fleeting moments of its clarity and calmness before - but its never lingered too long. i want an ED-ectomy.
and i hate summer, i've decided. and i look romantically back at last summer, when i was the sickest and the thinnest and wore bikinis and tiny little sundresses and felt so confident and sexy - even though i could blink my eyelashes and pass out from exertion. why is that so romantic? why do i want to live that way again? it's so empowering, that's why. but why does it have to be a choice? why isn't it easier to choosy healthy me over sick me? it should be easy, no? it would be an easy choice for a non-diseased person. and it's easy to encourage those around us who are like me. yeah....i should really change the name of the blog to narcissistic masochist. Ha! Say that ten times fast.

spring cleaning

Why are there so few blogs about recovery and sooooooo many that talk about living such food/eating disordered lives? I'm going to try and be one of those that promotes living life WITHOUT eating disorders, in recovery, without a focus on food, meal plans, weight, sizes, etc. ED has stolen so much of my life - I don't want to give him anymore of it. Screw that. So...i shall remove any pro-ED blogs, friends, lifestyle influences from my life. And I am looking for help in finding pro-recovery support blogs to add to my reading lists. Please recommend any that you know of or follow.

I also need to find a good therapist in Central Jersey who works with improving body image and self esteem in her patients. If you know of anyone's name you could pass along, i'd be every so grateful.

other than that, it's a good day. I saw my psychiatrist (i go every 2 mos now) on Thursday and we talked about my recent spiral and depression and how it seems related to PMS every month. So for the next two months, we are going to try a new med schedule (actually doubling the anti-depressant i'm on now) for only the week before my period. i'm on my second day of the double dosage now, so we'll see if that indeed makes a difference with my depression and poor body image that seems to come with PMS. I also spoke with him about Dr. Stoler's lecture and her disappointing coverage about eating disorders and how she made vomit gestures/faces and her condescending tone, etc. As her former boss during this part of her education, he was disappointed and shocked that she would act out that way and when I told him of how she mentioned that "every once in a while she lets herself eat half a cheeseburger and even ONE of her daughter's french fries" we both chuckled and nodded in agreement over the ritualistic and disordered aspects that that statement is screaming out.

So, i'm kicking that asshole ED to the curb. The stronger I become, the more conniving and tricky he gets. Always looking for a way back into my life, into my head. Thank you for helping me heal and be stronger. We can beat this illness. I believe that. I believe in you and i believe in me. So get out there and LIVE in the moment. That's what it's all about!

Carpe Diem,
xoxo t

Dr. Stoler blows too much hot air!

My little town had a PTA sponsored lecture for students and parents at the HS last night. it was marketed as a "presentation on the nutrition of our children" featuring the famous (or at least in her own mind) nutritionist Dr. Felicia Stoler. i was actually excited that this was a public topic/forum and assumed that it HAD to include eating disorder information - so i contacted my nutritionist and she wanted to go with me. YAY

Wow, what a serious disappointment this woman was. The program should have been entitled "Sports Nutrition by an overly ritualistic and disordered-in-her-own-right megalomaniac nut". First, it took 3 people about 20 minutes just to read all all her credentials and work/job experiences (blah, blah, blah). And after all that blabbering and pomp and circumstance - she turned out to just read off her slides *yawn* and basically gave a presentation geared towards athletes and sports nutrition. Evidently, she works with a zillion organizations - among them (and believe you me, she mentioned every single one of them twice!) GNC, TLC, ABC, NYC Marathon. She had lots of opinions on how to fuel your body and hydrate before marathons and lacrosse matches - but when it came to her very brief, 5 min part of the presentation on eating disorders, this is where i really became uber disappointed, and by the end of her brief section...actually quite a bit infuriated and offended.

She started this section by rattling off "symptoms" of eating disorders in a most flippant and random manner....things to look for, notice, be cautioned by. Nothing significant regarding the issues related to, risks of or sources to help a parent, friend or actual disordered person him/herself. At one point, she actually performed for her audience the rudest gesture possible, as she mocked making herself vomit. Yeah, seriously. She stuck her fist in her mouth - well, close to her wide open mouth. As if the audience needed that demonstration. Thanks Felicia. Real classy.

During this entire section she was rude, crude and condescending. I pity the poor boy or girl who actually has the misfortune of walking blindly into this woman's office seeking help, cuz she'll certainly push them over the edge they are walking right then and there. She really does NOT get it. She talked about ED addicts needing an MD, a therapist and a nutritionist and in her own words, which i agree with. But then she continued on by stating that anyone who doesn't have all three is just a "risk to her practice" and not serious, so she simply cuts them loose. How kind she is, huh? How empathetic. nuh-uh. Not good.

Anyway, the hour and a half of diet and exercise information was nothing new to me. I've been on every fad diet she mentioned and condemned. After being hospitalized and counseled for nearly a year now for my EDs, I have learned much about nutrition and the physiology of the human body. I was quite surprised to hear that she'd actually interned at Somerset Medical Center in the EDU where i resided last summer. Did she learn nothing of the human condition whilst there? How the psychological effects of eating disorders can be debilitating and deadly? Was this not worthy of further dedication of time to all those kids and parents she had captive in the auditorium?

The silver lining of this event? Well, I am thrilled to know, after witnessing this presentation, that I have the very best team available to me. My nutritionist is NOTHING like Dr. Stoler - thank goodness!!!!! Mine actually CARES! She actually GETS IT! My nutritionist is smart, lovely, loving, caring, strong and able to actually help her patients...not with condescending judgement and simple "facts"...but rather with warm, self-esteem building guidance, education and genuine care. (Love you Donna!!!)

I started here, but I plan to write to the PTA at the school also. To have wasted such an opportunity that actually filled the HS auditorium with not only a big audience, but a bunch of hot air from a egotistical braggart, was truly a sin.

Aside from that, i'm in day 5 of good positive behavior. I'm sticking to my meal plan, staying positive, writing in my journal and here and visualizing a strong, healthy, beautiful (ED FREE) me! Carpe Diem! xoxoxo