Loving u, loving me...

It's been years since I've blogged here. Its been a busy few years. Separation, going back to work full-time, Sandy, Divorce hell, fighting to keep my home, new job,  new (un)marital status, new love, losing my best friend, and as always...the old demons / old fight.

This blog was my cathartic place once. It was a place to release it all...and maybe it can be that again. My life is on the upswing for sure...but even after 5 yrs in recovery...I still struggle. One would think that it would get easier every day further into one's recovery. In some ways that is very true. Until it's not. Then we're screwed. :-/

How do we explain to "the others" the way ED makes us feel broken and angry and sad and conflicted and powerless...while knowing still, how happy and loved and proud and strong we actually are? I mostly do a shitty job of it; ask my boyfriend.  I come off like a moody and confused, destructive and extremely fragile crazy lady during most of my crisis moments. (poor guy) When we first started dating...I divulged. First date actually...and his response was basically something to the effect of he having had experience with an eating disordered person. 'Twas familiar ground, he thought...but not truly.  In fact, despite my efforts to share, educate, and communicate with him...his actions rarely feel sensitive towards me in my recovery. I love him truly...he is the best man i have ever loved. Amazing, tender, smart, funny, sexy and so in love with me (and vice versa) but mostly just oblivious to supporting me in my recovery. This is probably common among addiction afflicted families. But it hurts to feel like everything you have shared and asked your partner for help with, has gone in one ear and never registered within that One you consider your lifeline.

Then the disappointment and feeling of solitude sets in. As if no one gets it. No one cares. No one ever will. Except ED. Awwww shit. I feckin' hate ED!

Spousal sabotage

i've had a rough couple of days. Not only has Mercury (my ruling planet) been retrograde (which wreaks havoc on us all) but my husband, usually the sweetest most supportive and loving person on Earth, has been vicious in his attacks on me with ED related commentary. Hitting below the belt, and hard. The first comment that hurt me terribly, was a stupid mistake. One that he should have never made - and as horribly as it was not to fly backwards in a self-destructive whirlwind - i can still recognize that it was a "dumb" moment. He blurted something out that he knows better than to do, and it should NEVER have popped up in his mind as an option of response.

But last night's comment was in anger and in pursuit of my pain and suffering. And he did it in a way that was damaging to everyone in our household, my children as well. And i don't know how to handle this. Without getting into excruitiating detail - i'll just say that he attacked me about my eating habits, on several levels, both while i was on the phone and in the presence of my children (who are 7&9 and don't know Mommy has an ED) and at the top of his lungs. Which, sadly, caused me to scream back and storm out of the house. Among the many things he yelled at me, the worst and most damaging was "You are not normal!" Really? Duh fucking ralph. But that was followed by "I am trying to teach you how to be normal." Well, last time i checked, that was my team's job. Cuz for the 15 yrs we've been together, you didn't even realize that i HAD an ED and have been active in it since i was 13. So...yeah, maybe my nutritionist/doctors are a better choice for the advice offers on recovery. But hey, thanks man.

shit.

Left the house. Went out with my friends - the ones who always lift me up when i'm on the floor - and tried to have a good evening. Came home, he was on the couch. No words exchanged - i went to bed. He slept on the couch. Came downstairs - still nothing. He left for work - nada.

What the hell. This sucks. I plan on making a family appt with my nutritionist for ASAP so that i may ask him to come. I don't understand the sudden hostility and the recent use of his "hitting below the belt" tactics. I wonder if others have gone thru this with spouses/friends/family. Any advice w/b much appreciato! xoxo