Loving u, loving me...

It's been years since I've blogged here. Its been a busy few years. Separation, going back to work full-time, Sandy, Divorce hell, fighting to keep my home, new job,  new (un)marital status, new love, losing my best friend, and as always...the old demons / old fight.

This blog was my cathartic place once. It was a place to release it all...and maybe it can be that again. My life is on the upswing for sure...but even after 5 yrs in recovery...I still struggle. One would think that it would get easier every day further into one's recovery. In some ways that is very true. Until it's not. Then we're screwed. :-/

How do we explain to "the others" the way ED makes us feel broken and angry and sad and conflicted and powerless...while knowing still, how happy and loved and proud and strong we actually are? I mostly do a shitty job of it; ask my boyfriend.  I come off like a moody and confused, destructive and extremely fragile crazy lady during most of my crisis moments. (poor guy) When we first started dating...I divulged. First date actually...and his response was basically something to the effect of he having had experience with an eating disordered person. 'Twas familiar ground, he thought...but not truly.  In fact, despite my efforts to share, educate, and communicate with him...his actions rarely feel sensitive towards me in my recovery. I love him truly...he is the best man i have ever loved. Amazing, tender, smart, funny, sexy and so in love with me (and vice versa) but mostly just oblivious to supporting me in my recovery. This is probably common among addiction afflicted families. But it hurts to feel like everything you have shared and asked your partner for help with, has gone in one ear and never registered within that One you consider your lifeline.

Then the disappointment and feeling of solitude sets in. As if no one gets it. No one cares. No one ever will. Except ED. Awwww shit. I feckin' hate ED!

Gifts...

Hello to you all - and big hugs!!!! i have obviously not been around. Life has been mostly good, albeit quite hectic. I'm doing well and staying clean and healthy, which is a big bonus. I have 3 jobs now (not including the housewife/mom roles) and roller-skate between the three during the week. I am still in the music business doing sales support and promo for a few labels; i am partnered up with taboopleasures.com and we are going gang-busters with our new website, conventions and local events. Please check out the site - we have the absolute BEST prices on Pleaser Shoes, Allure, Leather and Elegant Moments apparel, and a HUGE assortment of toys and all things fetish! And the third mini-career of mine is obviously the most important as its my husband's new Energy Management company, specializing in solar, electrical and home/building efficiency. So far, things are going pretty well...and hopefully as the economy grows, so will our business! EvergreenSolarElectric.com!!!

I've had some family challenges recently. My "adopted" father passed away suddenly on Nov. 22nd. That was really tough on the kids and me - but i was happy we all spent some great quality time with him over the past summer. This is my kiddos first experience with losing someone close to them, that they loved...so its been pretty heart-wrenching to witness. The day of his memorial service, i also learned that my Grandmother (mom's mom) was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She's 93 y.o. and as she said "gotta die from something" so she's chosen not to undergo any kind of treatment. She lives in South Dakota, so I plan to go visit her with my lil brother soon - the prognosis (unofficially since she refused a biopsy) is about 6-12 mos, or in her own words "sooner rather than later". Again, another hard blow for my kids, especially my daughter who just adores her GG and "gets" her matriarchal standing in our family. Plus, she just thinks she's super cool - which she is! It makes me kind of sad because of her direct link to my mother (who died when i was 24), but she is 93 and has outlived most of her friends and family and is quite at peace with leaving this Earth and moving on up....so i can't be too sad for her! I feel very very blessed to have developed such a beautiful, loving relationship with her as a woman. She's taught us all so much, been an amazing role model and has lived through so much tragedy in her life, one cannot truly understand the inner strength she possesses, but it certainly is admirable. She has entered into the hospice program and will be cared for that way, at home, until she passes over.

On a happy, wonderful, good note - i was also notified (on the same exact day - pretty cosmic methinks!) that after much testing and surveys and paperwork, I have been chosen as the bone marrow donor for an anonymous 9 year-old boy who has acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL). I joined the Bone Marrow Registry in september, i think, and by Oct was notified as a potential match for this child. Of course, I was thrilled and have undergone the follow-up match testing and was finally told that we are a perfect match and they would like me to be the donor! What an amazing feeling...i can hardly explain. I'm over the moon with joy.

Tomorrow is my physical work-up at Mt. Sinai Hospital in NYC, prior to the donation date of Jan. 10th. I'm a bit nervous about the medical part - i haven't been on a scale in 2 yrs and have no real idea of my weight. I have a guesstimate # in my head, but don't want/need to know for real. I plan on explaining this to the medical team very EXPLICITLY and will do what i need to do to protect myself in the exam, whether it be standing backwards on the scale or what-have-you. I unfortunately know what size I am currently and though uncomfortable in my #, i've resigned myself to the peace of not knowing my actual weight. I also asked my husband to help protect this request tomorrow, as he will be with me for the physical. Anyway, that little tiny issue is soooo minor compared to the concept of helping this child live a happy, healthy life. I'm working hard to accept that and focus on the good things - and honestly the past several months i've felt sooo blessed, so peaceful and so abundantly loved that i've not focused too much on the petty, silly, disordered chaos that ED can create.

Life is so good! YAY....

I wish you all a warm, safe, happy and healthy holiday season and 2011! Focus on the good things, not the evil....and shoot for the stars. Life is beautiful - live it, love it and do it all with much JOY!

xoxoxo t

A great week

Its been a really great week for me controlling ED, rather than the other way around. i've been exercising moderately (45-50 min) 4 times a week or so...a bit of cardio but more strength training to tone up. it definitely makes me feel stronger and have better body image. Plus the endorphins alone are worth it for me. I just feel so much happier when i am using my body in such a positive way. The key is moderation for me....with everything i guess. LOL

i organized a show last night that went quite well and although no real money was made - but a lot of new connections and friendships were cultivated, which is always good! So yay for us.

My support group meeting was good this week. Some really amazing people in my group and such unconditional love and support! I feel very blessed to be a part of them. A new woman joined us this week, and she's just embarked on her road to recovery. Ugh, such a hard time the beginning is. Realizing that what you consider your best friend and salvation is actually trying to kill you...that's a tough thing to accept. A year and a half into my recovery and i still totally have the days i want to go back. The days i CHOOSE to slip and regress. But i always get up, dust myself off and start over - because living in your disorder is truly living in HELL. I can't believe i did it for so long. And that saying that even your worst day in recovery is better than your best day in your disorder....god, nothing could be more true. I mean, yeah...ED tries (and is still sometimes successful) convincing me that living on the dark side is bliss. And that's when the addiction part is so evident to me. How would anyone willfully CHOOSE to starve, hurt, ache, self-abuse and mentally torture oneself? The only way you can possibly give into such masochism is via an addiction or disease. There is no other logical way - unless we're just plain kooky - which of course may be slightly valid as well! Hahahaha.

Anyway, the silver lining in all of this is that in my journey of recovery - i have met some of the most amazing men and women on Earth. The tiniest of bodies carrying the strongest of wills. So much bravery, heart and moxie that i never would have met in different walks of life - if it hadn't been for our EDs. So for that i am thankful. If you haven't met those kinds of people yet in your life, reach out...they are there. Those kinds of connections in friendship, i believe, are sprinkled around us by God/the Universe and are the little sparkly easter eggs we find when we need them most. But you have to be open and receptive and willing to share too - and you'll be pleasantly surprised by the lessons you learn from each other. It's quite beautiful when you discover new blessings in your life and you become overtly grateful for them. When this happens, even in the simplest of matters, life gives you more goodness. It is law. So just try it - i promise you'll be greatly rewarded.

And so i begin my weekend steeped in love. I am loved and i love myself. I am taking care of me instead of sabotaging myself - inside and out. The more i practice self love and trust in my recovery - the more i will be able to trust myself...which will beautifully spill over into every other part of my life. And i am so happy to be able to recognize how much i deserve that now.

And so do you. So start (or restart even) today! Right this minute.
Happy weekend!

Hope is a four letter word

i planned out and used symptoms yesterday. i've actually used everyday for the past 5 days i think. i have been communicating with another woman from my group who is also in a bad place and i laughed that we are like the blind leading the blind. she's lost hope. i haven't lost hope. maybe i never had any. but i think i have. yeah, i totally have...and do at times. i guess i'm more in a lack of trust place - which is always my common theme. my nutritionist and i have settled on a calorie level that is supposed to help me stabilize - but i still don't want to do it. It's not fast enough for ED. ED wants to restrict until we can't stand the hunger any longer, and then B&P and restrict all over again. That's my cycle. Works well for me - my body starts eating away at itself quickly and the fluff just magically melts away. Not good, i know. Eating my muscle first, leaving me dizzy, dehydrated, stupid electrolyte levels, flirting with cardiac "situations". How is it that my comfort zone can be somewhere so dangerous? Seems similar to the definition of insanity, doesn't it?

Well, today i'm going to the NIN/Jane's Addiction show with my friends. They gave me a tix for my b-day. Supposed to be sunny. I'm worried about being the fattest one among all the skinny rockers there. Terrible that i find comfort in knowing that there are a lot of fat "goth" folks who will be there for NIN. Relieves the stress from my mind at the moment. At least it won't be so hot i have to wear shorts. Jeans it is....whew!

sorry this is dark - i hate putting up that side of me. i'd rather write/say/act all "shiny, happy, people holding hands" all the time. But that's not very realistic, nor is it healthy or helpful. so i'm trying to write the good, the bad and the ugly. so help me god.

spring cleaning

Why are there so few blogs about recovery and sooooooo many that talk about living such food/eating disordered lives? I'm going to try and be one of those that promotes living life WITHOUT eating disorders, in recovery, without a focus on food, meal plans, weight, sizes, etc. ED has stolen so much of my life - I don't want to give him anymore of it. Screw that. So...i shall remove any pro-ED blogs, friends, lifestyle influences from my life. And I am looking for help in finding pro-recovery support blogs to add to my reading lists. Please recommend any that you know of or follow.

I also need to find a good therapist in Central Jersey who works with improving body image and self esteem in her patients. If you know of anyone's name you could pass along, i'd be every so grateful.

other than that, it's a good day. I saw my psychiatrist (i go every 2 mos now) on Thursday and we talked about my recent spiral and depression and how it seems related to PMS every month. So for the next two months, we are going to try a new med schedule (actually doubling the anti-depressant i'm on now) for only the week before my period. i'm on my second day of the double dosage now, so we'll see if that indeed makes a difference with my depression and poor body image that seems to come with PMS. I also spoke with him about Dr. Stoler's lecture and her disappointing coverage about eating disorders and how she made vomit gestures/faces and her condescending tone, etc. As her former boss during this part of her education, he was disappointed and shocked that she would act out that way and when I told him of how she mentioned that "every once in a while she lets herself eat half a cheeseburger and even ONE of her daughter's french fries" we both chuckled and nodded in agreement over the ritualistic and disordered aspects that that statement is screaming out.

So, i'm kicking that asshole ED to the curb. The stronger I become, the more conniving and tricky he gets. Always looking for a way back into my life, into my head. Thank you for helping me heal and be stronger. We can beat this illness. I believe that. I believe in you and i believe in me. So get out there and LIVE in the moment. That's what it's all about!

Carpe Diem,
xoxo t