Loving u, loving me...

It's been years since I've blogged here. Its been a busy few years. Separation, going back to work full-time, Sandy, Divorce hell, fighting to keep my home, new job,  new (un)marital status, new love, losing my best friend, and as always...the old demons / old fight.

This blog was my cathartic place once. It was a place to release it all...and maybe it can be that again. My life is on the upswing for sure...but even after 5 yrs in recovery...I still struggle. One would think that it would get easier every day further into one's recovery. In some ways that is very true. Until it's not. Then we're screwed. :-/

How do we explain to "the others" the way ED makes us feel broken and angry and sad and conflicted and powerless...while knowing still, how happy and loved and proud and strong we actually are? I mostly do a shitty job of it; ask my boyfriend.  I come off like a moody and confused, destructive and extremely fragile crazy lady during most of my crisis moments. (poor guy) When we first started dating...I divulged. First date actually...and his response was basically something to the effect of he having had experience with an eating disordered person. 'Twas familiar ground, he thought...but not truly.  In fact, despite my efforts to share, educate, and communicate with him...his actions rarely feel sensitive towards me in my recovery. I love him truly...he is the best man i have ever loved. Amazing, tender, smart, funny, sexy and so in love with me (and vice versa) but mostly just oblivious to supporting me in my recovery. This is probably common among addiction afflicted families. But it hurts to feel like everything you have shared and asked your partner for help with, has gone in one ear and never registered within that One you consider your lifeline.

Then the disappointment and feeling of solitude sets in. As if no one gets it. No one cares. No one ever will. Except ED. Awwww shit. I feckin' hate ED!

BAD DREAMS....

of my old life and the old me
and poor, no...really BAD choices that almost killed me
negative self esteem and body image
i awoke at 4:30 a.m. in a sweat and a fret
up and out of bed, on the porch with my unconditional loving pooch
email, coffee and CNN in the dark, earling morning
then fell asleep on the couch
and dreamt of CNN's discussion of Islam and the talks re: the 9/11 mosque and the koran burning douchebag.
i was on the news lamenting my frustration and disappointment
so muchbetter now,
but amazed how my former self continues to haunt me
annoyed that i have to think about it
and still have to debate myself, so often, to make good choices
and i am missing my mom
- even after 18 years -
i still really fucking miss her sometimes.
but its all okay.
these days are fewer and farther in between
and i have grown so much
i can now acknowledge them.
FEEL the feelings.
KNOW that i am stronger. and better. and happier.
and this too shall pass.

...and this too shall pass...
<3

spring cleaning

Why are there so few blogs about recovery and sooooooo many that talk about living such food/eating disordered lives? I'm going to try and be one of those that promotes living life WITHOUT eating disorders, in recovery, without a focus on food, meal plans, weight, sizes, etc. ED has stolen so much of my life - I don't want to give him anymore of it. Screw that. So...i shall remove any pro-ED blogs, friends, lifestyle influences from my life. And I am looking for help in finding pro-recovery support blogs to add to my reading lists. Please recommend any that you know of or follow.

I also need to find a good therapist in Central Jersey who works with improving body image and self esteem in her patients. If you know of anyone's name you could pass along, i'd be every so grateful.

other than that, it's a good day. I saw my psychiatrist (i go every 2 mos now) on Thursday and we talked about my recent spiral and depression and how it seems related to PMS every month. So for the next two months, we are going to try a new med schedule (actually doubling the anti-depressant i'm on now) for only the week before my period. i'm on my second day of the double dosage now, so we'll see if that indeed makes a difference with my depression and poor body image that seems to come with PMS. I also spoke with him about Dr. Stoler's lecture and her disappointing coverage about eating disorders and how she made vomit gestures/faces and her condescending tone, etc. As her former boss during this part of her education, he was disappointed and shocked that she would act out that way and when I told him of how she mentioned that "every once in a while she lets herself eat half a cheeseburger and even ONE of her daughter's french fries" we both chuckled and nodded in agreement over the ritualistic and disordered aspects that that statement is screaming out.

So, i'm kicking that asshole ED to the curb. The stronger I become, the more conniving and tricky he gets. Always looking for a way back into my life, into my head. Thank you for helping me heal and be stronger. We can beat this illness. I believe that. I believe in you and i believe in me. So get out there and LIVE in the moment. That's what it's all about!

Carpe Diem,
xoxo t