BAD DREAMS....

of my old life and the old me
and poor, no...really BAD choices that almost killed me
negative self esteem and body image
i awoke at 4:30 a.m. in a sweat and a fret
up and out of bed, on the porch with my unconditional loving pooch
email, coffee and CNN in the dark, earling morning
then fell asleep on the couch
and dreamt of CNN's discussion of Islam and the talks re: the 9/11 mosque and the koran burning douchebag.
i was on the news lamenting my frustration and disappointment
so muchbetter now,
but amazed how my former self continues to haunt me
annoyed that i have to think about it
and still have to debate myself, so often, to make good choices
and i am missing my mom
- even after 18 years -
i still really fucking miss her sometimes.
but its all okay.
these days are fewer and farther in between
and i have grown so much
i can now acknowledge them.
FEEL the feelings.
KNOW that i am stronger. and better. and happier.
and this too shall pass.

...and this too shall pass...
<3

And i ran....

Today i ran for the first time since Aug of 2008, when i was admitted to the EDU at Somerset Hospital. The temperature and humidity are down today - so my dog Buzz and i left on a little outdoor journey that took us about 3 1/2 miles. We didn't jog the whole way, it was more like a minute or two running and a minute of walking, repeat. It felt really good being "okay" with that. Pushing myself a bit, but not feeling so driven that I was out of control. Pearl Jam was playing in my iPod and Buzz kept me in check by stopping and sitting down like a mule here and there when he just had enough.

On our outing, i saw Sarah, a neighbor who is "running disordered" (i think i just made that up) and runs too much with another friend of mine from town. They spend all their time and energy prepping and running marathons all over the country - but complain that they never have time to do anything fun in their lives and are only ever thinking about the next "burn". Those are the people i've had to really cut out of my life. Living in a wealthy town where most of the women (other moms) don't work - the focus is almost always on their bodies. The latest hot yoga class they took, the new diet they are on, their new trainer/gym/workout, etc. I've really lessened my time and conversations with them and most don't know i've had ED in my life for nearly 30 years. Anyway, as I passed Sarah jogging, i suddenly felt insecure. She's sooooooo thin and i'm not anymore. I've had very bad body image lately and have been just trying to tone up with moderate exercise and not using any of the disordered dieting that has been my crutch and resolve all my life. god, it's sooooo f'ing hard. i've even had to start writing a food journal again, for my fear of eating too much or too little. I know this is a good thing, that I'm using the methods and coping skills i've been taught by my team...but its still so mentally devastating at times to just live with this disease and feel almost helpless (even though i'm not) against it.

blecht.

Plus i'm going home to see my family on the west coast in about 2 weeks. there is definitely part of me (ED) begging to drop some pounds before i go. i'm afraid of being judged for being bigger than i was when i saw them last, which was 3 mos before i was admitted to the hospital. Realistically i know that i'm not THAT much bigger than i was then, maybe a size and a half...but knowing how my family operates, i'm hesitant and feeling quite insecure. But, being aware and preparing for it mentally is half the battle - and i am truly doing it for my kiddos - so they can see their grandparents, aunts and uncles. I just have to remember that.

Be well, be happy and live in your moment!
xoxo t

Hot and bothered....

Yep, got to 102 here today. BRUTAL man. I did 3 loads of wash and hung them on the clothes line to dry. Good day for that - but even just hanging the wash and taking it down and folding it into the basket...the sweat would drip from my forehead and sting my eyes. Icky.

My day was weird too. I'm definitely not in the same happy place i was a couple of days ago. And i had such a great weekend. Just when i really felt like i was getting my groove on too. I didn't have to work today at the office - which was nice, as i had so much to get done around here. Then something small, but meaningful to me, kind of put me in the "off" position.

As you guys know from all my blogging over the past several years - my first response to any kind of emotional conflict was to use ED behaviors. Well, it's not that i'm without slips...for i do still slip at times. But i am learning to give myself time to digest my feelings better. Numbing out was always my knee-jerk reaction before. Then there is no need to sit with your emotions, try to figure out why they make you feel the way they do. And gauge your reactions. For the most part, this is a good thing. Although i loathe that i am just now truly learning how to feel sadness, disappointment, confusion, anger, etc...it's a very good thing to see that i am making progress.

And i'm finding that i clean like a banshee when i choose not to hang with ED. (do banshees clean? ) Anyway....i wanted to give myself some credit. I have some very conflicting emotions in my head and in my heart....and its hard for me to sit with that. But often, the best gift anyone can get is time. Time is my friend. And so here i am...sitting in my kitchen, looking out my window to my (nearly crispy) garden (we have mandatory water restrictions!) wondering and wishing.

and feeling minimally proud of myself.
and knowing that i am a totally kick ass girl and that i deserve only the best in every part of my life.
and so it shall be.
(i hope...says the lil girl)

Last weekend....

It was all about my husband - and we had a fabulous time. His birthday - the same day as Menard's (whom i didn't send b-day greeting's until yesterday when we talked and he reminded me....sorry darlin' ). Friday he played poker with his friends and won a teeny bit 'o money. Saturday the kiddos and i took him to King Tut in the city and we had a grand time! Then when we got back home in the evening, the sitter came over and we went to a show at The Pony with friends and then out for dinner and drinks. And yesterday, he and my son went to the Yankees game with friends of ours and he had a blast and my daughter and i went for pedicures together - and at age 9 she was tickled pink to get her first "real" peddie and the woman even painted pretty flowers on her big toes. Then we came home and BBQ'd once the "manly men" returned home. It was a fabulous day. And my husband and I are getting along splendidly at the moment, which feels really, really good. *sigh*

This week will be fun too - as i've got Pearl Jam & Band of Horses on Friday, Molly Hatchet & Blackberry Smoke on Saturday in Lawn-guy Land & Alice -n-Chains w/Stone Temple Pilots on Sunday at an outdoor event in Philly. Yay....how blessed am i?

And mercury is out of retrograde....and i'll be 42 in less than two weeks. And i'm healthy in my recovery for eating disorders. Working hard at it everyday and trying to work on positive and healthy physical activities and work-outs so i can grow even stronger and sexier and more confident about my physical self (which is my greatest source of disordered behavior). In fact, my friend (a fellow hippie chick who makes me look like Ann Coulter in hippy comparison) has gotten really fit from Hula Hooping...using weighted hoops. So I really want to get one for me - maybe a birfday present - and try doing that. I'd imagine me hooping outside in the sunshine every morning in the summer would be a great way to start the day! How can one NOT smile when they are hula hooping, right?

Well, i want more coffee and have vowed not to make any until AFTER i excercise today. So, i'm heading out into the sunshine for a walk/run with my doggie. I hope you have a fabulous week and that everyone's frowns are being turned upside down lately.

Sending the love to ya....xoxo

A great week

Its been a really great week for me controlling ED, rather than the other way around. i've been exercising moderately (45-50 min) 4 times a week or so...a bit of cardio but more strength training to tone up. it definitely makes me feel stronger and have better body image. Plus the endorphins alone are worth it for me. I just feel so much happier when i am using my body in such a positive way. The key is moderation for me....with everything i guess. LOL

i organized a show last night that went quite well and although no real money was made - but a lot of new connections and friendships were cultivated, which is always good! So yay for us.

My support group meeting was good this week. Some really amazing people in my group and such unconditional love and support! I feel very blessed to be a part of them. A new woman joined us this week, and she's just embarked on her road to recovery. Ugh, such a hard time the beginning is. Realizing that what you consider your best friend and salvation is actually trying to kill you...that's a tough thing to accept. A year and a half into my recovery and i still totally have the days i want to go back. The days i CHOOSE to slip and regress. But i always get up, dust myself off and start over - because living in your disorder is truly living in HELL. I can't believe i did it for so long. And that saying that even your worst day in recovery is better than your best day in your disorder....god, nothing could be more true. I mean, yeah...ED tries (and is still sometimes successful) convincing me that living on the dark side is bliss. And that's when the addiction part is so evident to me. How would anyone willfully CHOOSE to starve, hurt, ache, self-abuse and mentally torture oneself? The only way you can possibly give into such masochism is via an addiction or disease. There is no other logical way - unless we're just plain kooky - which of course may be slightly valid as well! Hahahaha.

Anyway, the silver lining in all of this is that in my journey of recovery - i have met some of the most amazing men and women on Earth. The tiniest of bodies carrying the strongest of wills. So much bravery, heart and moxie that i never would have met in different walks of life - if it hadn't been for our EDs. So for that i am thankful. If you haven't met those kinds of people yet in your life, reach out...they are there. Those kinds of connections in friendship, i believe, are sprinkled around us by God/the Universe and are the little sparkly easter eggs we find when we need them most. But you have to be open and receptive and willing to share too - and you'll be pleasantly surprised by the lessons you learn from each other. It's quite beautiful when you discover new blessings in your life and you become overtly grateful for them. When this happens, even in the simplest of matters, life gives you more goodness. It is law. So just try it - i promise you'll be greatly rewarded.

And so i begin my weekend steeped in love. I am loved and i love myself. I am taking care of me instead of sabotaging myself - inside and out. The more i practice self love and trust in my recovery - the more i will be able to trust myself...which will beautifully spill over into every other part of my life. And i am so happy to be able to recognize how much i deserve that now.

And so do you. So start (or restart even) today! Right this minute.
Happy weekend!

Zombie Day

Shitty ass Easter.
Shitty ass couple of weeks.
In a very dark place. Struggling, slipping, crying too much.
Doubting my self, my worth, my body, my strength, my sex appeal, my ability to control my own happiness.
Finding it hard to like me at the moment. Abandonment issues in full force. Lack of trust in humanity and myself in full force. Wondering what to do now.
Comforted by knowing that Jesus was a zombie.
i feel like a zombie at the moment.

A poignant Beastie Boys quote....for real.

“The true key is a trust in self. For when I trust myself, I fear no one else. I took control of my life, just as anyone can. I want everyone to see it's in the palm of your hand. The past is gone, the future yet unborn. But right here and now is where it all goes on.” - Beastie Boys