Zombie Day

Shitty ass Easter.
Shitty ass couple of weeks.
In a very dark place. Struggling, slipping, crying too much.
Doubting my self, my worth, my body, my strength, my sex appeal, my ability to control my own happiness.
Finding it hard to like me at the moment. Abandonment issues in full force. Lack of trust in humanity and myself in full force. Wondering what to do now.
Comforted by knowing that Jesus was a zombie.
i feel like a zombie at the moment.

A poignant Beastie Boys quote....for real.

“The true key is a trust in self. For when I trust myself, I fear no one else. I took control of my life, just as anyone can. I want everyone to see it's in the palm of your hand. The past is gone, the future yet unborn. But right here and now is where it all goes on.” - Beastie Boys

Isolation

...always a user's best friend. i know. i've done it. i've actually been called out on it this week by two friends with whom i'm really close. i feel boundaries slipping. excuses being made in my head. Easy to connect the dots once you know. But to those who don't....its mysterious or aloof or whatever. the cycles all swirl together at times in our minds...an unbreakable cycle when you commit to it. my friends have been relentlessly and lovingly checking on me this week. pushing me into social situations and away from my desire to isolate and hide.

I went to a wake yesterday for the death of an alcoholic friend. 39 y/o. Some people thought he was the life of the party, fun crazy guy. Other's considered him a total jerk who didn't even have a clue how good he had it and just chose to throw it all away. And i can feel some of that anger coming out now that he's gone. Like...how could he CHOOSE to live that way - how can any drunk/drug addict/disordered soul? How dare they choose to ruin their good lives and the lives of everyone they love? But one cannot look at it that way, because, simply stated...it's a real illness. There is very little choice involved. Being a former slave to my addiction, I totally GET that. The compulsions and needs are soooo strong and soooo well ingrained that you willingly hurt yourself because you can't deny yourself the escape. It's your sole coping mechanism, usually. So dealing with emotions and life on your own, just becomes impossible. And even with help, its so rare that one succeeds in this battle. And this was honestly the 3rd person in my life that i've lost because of addiction. One was to heroin, the second was to anorexia and cocaine and now alcoholism. Of course, depression was existent in all three cases as well. It always is though. And all three well intentioned people left small children parentless. That's the really tragic part. But the disease is so strong that at some point in one's indoctrination - the body, mind and soul are so emmeshed with the illness, depression and dependence that there is no resurrection. No salvation. Only surrender. Only darkness, no light.

And even with those significant examples of losses in my life, first hand, i am still struggling with knowing that i too still want to take the easy road so often. I long for it. A break, some relief. That "fix" that will numb me out and allow me to be free of the moment, even if just for 5 minutes. Often i don't even understand why it is that i want that, or conversely, even why i shouldn't. And often i fight it and take the higher road. But sometimes i can't. Or won't? i feel ashamed. and desperate. i want so much to be well...to be happy and secure and "normal". But i also feel broken beyond repair most of the time, and wonder when or if i'll ever be normal. And how i'll get there...and "what now"?

There are so many "right" things to do. So much beauty and love and wonder in the world, and in my life. I'm blessed. I truly am. And as blessed as i am to have so much support and so many who truly love me, I still struggle with my demons. And although i give you a smile and make you laugh and let you know i'm okay, even GREAT....there is always, always an underlying feeling of doubt inside me. Doubt i can do it. Doubt i can trust you. Doubt i will ever be able to feel adequate, or pretty or worthy. It's a terrible disease, addiction. So try not to hate the ones you know who struggle with it. Try and help them and love them and support them to get well. Don't judge or justify. You'll never truly understand, but nor do you need to. Just love. It's the only way. xoxo

Lost & Lonely

my husband is gone for 3 weeks. today is only the second day i am alone. my brain is struggling to stay right side up. obsession with food and eating has already been going on for days. it's non-stop chatter in my mind. "don't eat, don't eat, don't eat" i keep hearing. you can drop a size by the time he gets back. he'll never notice. it'll be cool. slip - go ahead - you can jump right back on later.

fuck.
so fucking hard.
and i feel really lost. and lonely.
and alone.
even though i'm never actually alone.
even though i'd like to be for even one hour.
i want that control now. what goes in, what comes out. how much, how often, do my thighs look thinner? is my belly flatter? i am definitely prettier today. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
why does this have to suck so bad?
please, i pray, help me get through this.
3 weeks is sooooo long :-(
i'm so scared.
grim.
feels really grim.

Spousal sabotage

i've had a rough couple of days. Not only has Mercury (my ruling planet) been retrograde (which wreaks havoc on us all) but my husband, usually the sweetest most supportive and loving person on Earth, has been vicious in his attacks on me with ED related commentary. Hitting below the belt, and hard. The first comment that hurt me terribly, was a stupid mistake. One that he should have never made - and as horribly as it was not to fly backwards in a self-destructive whirlwind - i can still recognize that it was a "dumb" moment. He blurted something out that he knows better than to do, and it should NEVER have popped up in his mind as an option of response.

But last night's comment was in anger and in pursuit of my pain and suffering. And he did it in a way that was damaging to everyone in our household, my children as well. And i don't know how to handle this. Without getting into excruitiating detail - i'll just say that he attacked me about my eating habits, on several levels, both while i was on the phone and in the presence of my children (who are 7&9 and don't know Mommy has an ED) and at the top of his lungs. Which, sadly, caused me to scream back and storm out of the house. Among the many things he yelled at me, the worst and most damaging was "You are not normal!" Really? Duh fucking ralph. But that was followed by "I am trying to teach you how to be normal." Well, last time i checked, that was my team's job. Cuz for the 15 yrs we've been together, you didn't even realize that i HAD an ED and have been active in it since i was 13. So...yeah, maybe my nutritionist/doctors are a better choice for the advice offers on recovery. But hey, thanks man.

shit.

Left the house. Went out with my friends - the ones who always lift me up when i'm on the floor - and tried to have a good evening. Came home, he was on the couch. No words exchanged - i went to bed. He slept on the couch. Came downstairs - still nothing. He left for work - nada.

What the hell. This sucks. I plan on making a family appt with my nutritionist for ASAP so that i may ask him to come. I don't understand the sudden hostility and the recent use of his "hitting below the belt" tactics. I wonder if others have gone thru this with spouses/friends/family. Any advice w/b much appreciato! xoxo

The New Year's Toast

Out for drinks one night, my friend who had bought me a shot of Patron, asked me what my resolution as for the new year. My response was/is "to be healthy both physically and mentally". And we cheered to this. A great goal, if i do say so myself. In past years it would have been something shallow or self-defeating in purpose. But this year, my goal is really truly to be strong and healthy and make choices that are logical and wise for me and my whole self.

Last year at this time, I was starting the new year with a fresh clean slate also. But it almost didn't seem real. It was as if I was going through a sort of trial period in a new lifestyle. More than a year in recovery now, I know how hard it really is. How many, many peaks and valleys there are to get through. I have learned that self forgiveness is a survival tool, not a frivolity. That may sound ridiculous to most, but to many of us afflicted with any addiction, but especially EDs, it is one of our greatest challenges. So, we just have to do it, over and over and over again...until it's more comfortable and a natural knee-jerk reaction to set-backs in our lives that we feel responsible for. We're good at accepting tons of responsibility, but not forgiving ourselves when we don't do as well as we'd hoped to. So that's something i'm really focusing on this year.

The other thing i am truly focused on fully is being alive in my moment and grateful for all my blessings. For me, this means looking in the mirror daily and rather than picking my self to pieces, smiling and thanking God for giving me a healthy, strong body. I come from a family with many physical issues. My mom died when she was only 8 yrs older than me now from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and my father lives with Multiple Sclerosis for nearly 30 yrs now. I cannot take for granted the grace and blessing bestowed upon me for having a strong, well-functioning, healthy body and mind. This basic standard of life that many of us take for granted until it's no longer there...is something of a much larger importance than the size of my jeans or the number on the scale (although i have not even stepped foot on one for about a year now). Walking, breathing, laughing, crying, hugging, loving, holding my children, petting my dog...all these things are sooooooo much better and more important than the silly, vanity driven, emptiness that Eating Disorders create in our souls. Living in the moment and falling in LOVE with life and all the beauty inside of it and inside of ME is magical. And this kind of love propels me into the world of positivity and strength and purpose that I deserve. That we ALL deserve.

So the experimental year is done. This year it's sunk in. I'm in recovery. I'm healing. I'm not pretending anymore. That doesn't mean i won't slip. That doesn't mean i won't falter. But what it does mean is that i continue to evolve, grow and embrace my true self. And once the butterfly emerges from the cocoon, it can never go back to being a caterpillar. Nope. And thankfully, who'd want to? I love my new wings, i love my new life and i'm working really, really, REALLY hard to love my new body too.

So here's to us - and our good health...this year, and always! Cheers! <3

~*~*~TABLA RASA~*~*~

Focus, living in the moment, purpose, constantly becoming something new and improved, a work in progress, the continuation of my metamorphosis. my wings are still damp and fragile...but gaining in strength each day, each moment. Love has brought me me so many blessings and strength. It has lifted me up when i was too weak to do so myself. And although the journey is treacherous...the good days outnumber the bad now, and i feel momentum and power building.

You, who are my friends; You, who are my loves; You, who bathe me in comfort and white light...thank you so very much! So many of you have reached out to me, shared your stories, shared your lives....your real lives - not just your "blog" stories. The people i adore and admire, made of sweet flesh, warm smiles and inspiration.

The one universal thing that certainly ties us all together is that we are resilient! We are colorful and brave! We believe in running toward the prize with all of the power and confidence and strength we can muster, despite the inevitable obstacles before us. We help lift each other up, so that we may grab onto our own shining star and fly as HIGH as our imaginations will take us! And each and every one of us deserves NOTHING less. Accept nothing less. Live with no regrets!

So here's to us in 2010 and making exactly that happen. For you, and for me....for those we have loved and lost, this year and always, whose spirits continue to inspire us each day to be better human beings. May we be abundantly selfless, generous, loving and forgiving...not only to our spouses, friends, co-workers and children - but to ourselves.

Especially to ourselves. Let the love start there. Tabla Rasa, my friends.

Happy New Year! xoxo