Lost & Lonely

my husband is gone for 3 weeks. today is only the second day i am alone. my brain is struggling to stay right side up. obsession with food and eating has already been going on for days. it's non-stop chatter in my mind. "don't eat, don't eat, don't eat" i keep hearing. you can drop a size by the time he gets back. he'll never notice. it'll be cool. slip - go ahead - you can jump right back on later.

fuck.
so fucking hard.
and i feel really lost. and lonely.
and alone.
even though i'm never actually alone.
even though i'd like to be for even one hour.
i want that control now. what goes in, what comes out. how much, how often, do my thighs look thinner? is my belly flatter? i am definitely prettier today. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
why does this have to suck so bad?
please, i pray, help me get through this.
3 weeks is sooooo long :-(
i'm so scared.
grim.
feels really grim.