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it's monday. and i seem to have been having a pity party for a week. but after having taken account of all my blessings and including my new body that is healthy and disease free - albeit bigger than i am currently comfortable with...i've decided that today is a new day and a fresh start. So.....i'm having a healthy breakfast - going to follow my meal plan and write everything down today. After bkfst i'm taking my dog with me and going for a brisk walk in the beautiful sunshine! Then a shower and off to see my nutritionist, whom i miss, and with whom i shall discuss my plans and goals.

tomorrow i'm running a blood drive for my kid's school and community, so I have to finish doing as much prep for that is necessary the rest of today. All and all, i am feel fresh, renewed, re-committed and worthwhile of all the (self) love and work needed to get me to a safer, stronger, healthier place.

Carpe Diem! xoxo t

Hope is a four letter word

i planned out and used symptoms yesterday. i've actually used everyday for the past 5 days i think. i have been communicating with another woman from my group who is also in a bad place and i laughed that we are like the blind leading the blind. she's lost hope. i haven't lost hope. maybe i never had any. but i think i have. yeah, i totally have...and do at times. i guess i'm more in a lack of trust place - which is always my common theme. my nutritionist and i have settled on a calorie level that is supposed to help me stabilize - but i still don't want to do it. It's not fast enough for ED. ED wants to restrict until we can't stand the hunger any longer, and then B&P and restrict all over again. That's my cycle. Works well for me - my body starts eating away at itself quickly and the fluff just magically melts away. Not good, i know. Eating my muscle first, leaving me dizzy, dehydrated, stupid electrolyte levels, flirting with cardiac "situations". How is it that my comfort zone can be somewhere so dangerous? Seems similar to the definition of insanity, doesn't it?

Well, today i'm going to the NIN/Jane's Addiction show with my friends. They gave me a tix for my b-day. Supposed to be sunny. I'm worried about being the fattest one among all the skinny rockers there. Terrible that i find comfort in knowing that there are a lot of fat "goth" folks who will be there for NIN. Relieves the stress from my mind at the moment. At least it won't be so hot i have to wear shorts. Jeans it is....whew!

sorry this is dark - i hate putting up that side of me. i'd rather write/say/act all "shiny, happy, people holding hands" all the time. But that's not very realistic, nor is it healthy or helpful. so i'm trying to write the good, the bad and the ugly. so help me god.

Broken

i'm in a really bad place. i don't want to be - i'm doing all i can to try and be positive. but my body image and how i feel about being heavier is controlling the emotional reins in my soul at the moment. i feel angry. and tired. angry that i am so profoundly controlled by this disease. exhausted in a lifelong, 28 year battle of fighting it...fighting myself. wishing i could just be a "normal" girl, without weight issues, over-examination of myself, rational thoughts of body image and perhaps even a mind free and confident enough to believe i am worth so much MORE than what i look like. And though deep inside i do know that, there is always this threshold of belief...where self worth and value become muddled with self esteem and vanity.
i am sad. i am tired. i am angry. i am broken.
i have a beautiful, wonderful, abundant life and because of this stupid, horrible disease, i am unble to fully live it. and i'm just so tired of fighting. really. the outside world (meaning the ED free/addictionless masses) have no idea how exhausting it is inside our minds. What it is like to fight this demon day in and day out....happy when we defeat it, giddy when we follow it, sad when we listen to it, uncomfortable when we are without it. Its all so convoluted and gray and swirled into a muddled mess of emotion and self doubt and anger....that its hard to see the light sometimes. Is there any light? People claim there is, and i've felt fleeting moments of its clarity and calmness before - but its never lingered too long. i want an ED-ectomy.
and i hate summer, i've decided. and i look romantically back at last summer, when i was the sickest and the thinnest and wore bikinis and tiny little sundresses and felt so confident and sexy - even though i could blink my eyelashes and pass out from exertion. why is that so romantic? why do i want to live that way again? it's so empowering, that's why. but why does it have to be a choice? why isn't it easier to choosy healthy me over sick me? it should be easy, no? it would be an easy choice for a non-diseased person. and it's easy to encourage those around us who are like me. yeah....i should really change the name of the blog to narcissistic masochist. Ha! Say that ten times fast.