Loving u, loving me...

It's been years since I've blogged here. Its been a busy few years. Separation, going back to work full-time, Sandy, Divorce hell, fighting to keep my home, new job,  new (un)marital status, new love, losing my best friend, and as always...the old demons / old fight.

This blog was my cathartic place once. It was a place to release it all...and maybe it can be that again. My life is on the upswing for sure...but even after 5 yrs in recovery...I still struggle. One would think that it would get easier every day further into one's recovery. In some ways that is very true. Until it's not. Then we're screwed. :-/

How do we explain to "the others" the way ED makes us feel broken and angry and sad and conflicted and powerless...while knowing still, how happy and loved and proud and strong we actually are? I mostly do a shitty job of it; ask my boyfriend.  I come off like a moody and confused, destructive and extremely fragile crazy lady during most of my crisis moments. (poor guy) When we first started dating...I divulged. First date actually...and his response was basically something to the effect of he having had experience with an eating disordered person. 'Twas familiar ground, he thought...but not truly.  In fact, despite my efforts to share, educate, and communicate with him...his actions rarely feel sensitive towards me in my recovery. I love him truly...he is the best man i have ever loved. Amazing, tender, smart, funny, sexy and so in love with me (and vice versa) but mostly just oblivious to supporting me in my recovery. This is probably common among addiction afflicted families. But it hurts to feel like everything you have shared and asked your partner for help with, has gone in one ear and never registered within that One you consider your lifeline.

Then the disappointment and feeling of solitude sets in. As if no one gets it. No one cares. No one ever will. Except ED. Awwww shit. I feckin' hate ED!

For A New Beginning - by John O'Donahue

In out of way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never seem to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desires,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety,
And the grey promise that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent.
Wondering would you always live like this?

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A patch of plentitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear,
You can trust the promise of this opening,
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning,
That is one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure; hold nothing back,
Learn to find ease in risk,
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

I can't shake this....

i sometimes wonder if i'm not manic depressive - or bi-polar. It seems like i'm either in a really good place, or a really bad one...mentally. I'm sure real bi-polar disorder is much more dramatic in regard to the actual swings. I'm stressed right now. Whatever it is that is causing my bone marrow testing to come back abnormal is still a mystery...and wondering what kind of evil is living in my body, wrecking havoc, is making me a bit nuts. Throwing off my balance, my zen, my perspective and my entire will to stay on track. I've never done anything half-assed...and i guess that follows me in my negative habits too! (Obviously! Ha!) So while I'm feeling cruddy, I figure why the heck should I try and feel good. I've been trying to kick this for so long now, and now my body is officially proving there is something wrong with it via these lab results...that it seems i've just sort of resolved to be ill. In every way. Dumb, i realize, but true.

i'm sorry I'm so Debbie Downer. Believe it or not, it does help me realize patterns and triggers when i write, so this is more for me than anyone else. I hope i don't cause anyone harm along the way though.
xx t

my weirdness

And he calls it just that. says he loves me despite my weirdness, even though i don't...most of the time. it has gotten tons better - but is always lurking, poking at me, trying to pull me back in. And trying to relay the kinds of feelings that happen when you introduce big gianormous food-related holidays to a recovering ED-like person...is just horrid. No one gets it...unless you're a bird of the flock. I mean some TRY, and others irritate the fuck out of me while they (so call "try"). LOL

DISCLAIMER: I should probably say right now that i'm in a bad state of mental being and have been regressing mentally due to some "arguments" with people i love about ED. You are hereby warned that this commentary is/may be triggering and negative.

Yeah, the other people....and trying to explain it to them. Well.....that plain just sucks.
its bad enough we have to live it...let alone try and explain our severely-fucked-up-ness. yeah....shame is the first thing that comes to mind. "Hey, just when you thought i was cool...you know, a strong, motivated, intelligent, hip, kind of girl..."
you find out about it. the FLAW. The weirdness. The disease. A mental disease, i should add.
Ha! Am i smelling like a rose? NO sir-ee.
And for me, that's when the pull comes. Calling me back, luring me into its web...cuz if i have to describe myself as such, then i must be. and if i'm not that anymore, then who the hell am i? ya know?
I know, it's stupid. Really really lame, and shallow and ignorant and weak and yeah...a sort of self-wallowing pity party, isn't it?
It makes me SICK. How about you? Speaking of which...since i already feel sick and weak and ashamed, well then, i might as well BE sick and weak! Ya know, for old times sake. Or not? Well, maybe just this once. I mean really....who would know? Besides me.
But yeah, there's me. I would know. And now i've gone and told every (mostly non-existent) person in Blogland. Well FUCK ME! Look what you went and DID!
(yes i know that's improper english, folks. we're over-achievers remember? super smart for the most part!)
So what now?
There's this brick wall i'm looking at. And it's kind of brutal. Solid. Big. Too tall to get over? Or is it?
Hmmmm....
FML

Gifts...

Hello to you all - and big hugs!!!! i have obviously not been around. Life has been mostly good, albeit quite hectic. I'm doing well and staying clean and healthy, which is a big bonus. I have 3 jobs now (not including the housewife/mom roles) and roller-skate between the three during the week. I am still in the music business doing sales support and promo for a few labels; i am partnered up with taboopleasures.com and we are going gang-busters with our new website, conventions and local events. Please check out the site - we have the absolute BEST prices on Pleaser Shoes, Allure, Leather and Elegant Moments apparel, and a HUGE assortment of toys and all things fetish! And the third mini-career of mine is obviously the most important as its my husband's new Energy Management company, specializing in solar, electrical and home/building efficiency. So far, things are going pretty well...and hopefully as the economy grows, so will our business! EvergreenSolarElectric.com!!!

I've had some family challenges recently. My "adopted" father passed away suddenly on Nov. 22nd. That was really tough on the kids and me - but i was happy we all spent some great quality time with him over the past summer. This is my kiddos first experience with losing someone close to them, that they loved...so its been pretty heart-wrenching to witness. The day of his memorial service, i also learned that my Grandmother (mom's mom) was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She's 93 y.o. and as she said "gotta die from something" so she's chosen not to undergo any kind of treatment. She lives in South Dakota, so I plan to go visit her with my lil brother soon - the prognosis (unofficially since she refused a biopsy) is about 6-12 mos, or in her own words "sooner rather than later". Again, another hard blow for my kids, especially my daughter who just adores her GG and "gets" her matriarchal standing in our family. Plus, she just thinks she's super cool - which she is! It makes me kind of sad because of her direct link to my mother (who died when i was 24), but she is 93 and has outlived most of her friends and family and is quite at peace with leaving this Earth and moving on up....so i can't be too sad for her! I feel very very blessed to have developed such a beautiful, loving relationship with her as a woman. She's taught us all so much, been an amazing role model and has lived through so much tragedy in her life, one cannot truly understand the inner strength she possesses, but it certainly is admirable. She has entered into the hospice program and will be cared for that way, at home, until she passes over.

On a happy, wonderful, good note - i was also notified (on the same exact day - pretty cosmic methinks!) that after much testing and surveys and paperwork, I have been chosen as the bone marrow donor for an anonymous 9 year-old boy who has acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL). I joined the Bone Marrow Registry in september, i think, and by Oct was notified as a potential match for this child. Of course, I was thrilled and have undergone the follow-up match testing and was finally told that we are a perfect match and they would like me to be the donor! What an amazing feeling...i can hardly explain. I'm over the moon with joy.

Tomorrow is my physical work-up at Mt. Sinai Hospital in NYC, prior to the donation date of Jan. 10th. I'm a bit nervous about the medical part - i haven't been on a scale in 2 yrs and have no real idea of my weight. I have a guesstimate # in my head, but don't want/need to know for real. I plan on explaining this to the medical team very EXPLICITLY and will do what i need to do to protect myself in the exam, whether it be standing backwards on the scale or what-have-you. I unfortunately know what size I am currently and though uncomfortable in my #, i've resigned myself to the peace of not knowing my actual weight. I also asked my husband to help protect this request tomorrow, as he will be with me for the physical. Anyway, that little tiny issue is soooo minor compared to the concept of helping this child live a happy, healthy life. I'm working hard to accept that and focus on the good things - and honestly the past several months i've felt sooo blessed, so peaceful and so abundantly loved that i've not focused too much on the petty, silly, disordered chaos that ED can create.

Life is so good! YAY....

I wish you all a warm, safe, happy and healthy holiday season and 2011! Focus on the good things, not the evil....and shoot for the stars. Life is beautiful - live it, love it and do it all with much JOY!

xoxoxo t

BAD DREAMS....

of my old life and the old me
and poor, no...really BAD choices that almost killed me
negative self esteem and body image
i awoke at 4:30 a.m. in a sweat and a fret
up and out of bed, on the porch with my unconditional loving pooch
email, coffee and CNN in the dark, earling morning
then fell asleep on the couch
and dreamt of CNN's discussion of Islam and the talks re: the 9/11 mosque and the koran burning douchebag.
i was on the news lamenting my frustration and disappointment
so muchbetter now,
but amazed how my former self continues to haunt me
annoyed that i have to think about it
and still have to debate myself, so often, to make good choices
and i am missing my mom
- even after 18 years -
i still really fucking miss her sometimes.
but its all okay.
these days are fewer and farther in between
and i have grown so much
i can now acknowledge them.
FEEL the feelings.
KNOW that i am stronger. and better. and happier.
and this too shall pass.

...and this too shall pass...
<3

And i ran....

Today i ran for the first time since Aug of 2008, when i was admitted to the EDU at Somerset Hospital. The temperature and humidity are down today - so my dog Buzz and i left on a little outdoor journey that took us about 3 1/2 miles. We didn't jog the whole way, it was more like a minute or two running and a minute of walking, repeat. It felt really good being "okay" with that. Pushing myself a bit, but not feeling so driven that I was out of control. Pearl Jam was playing in my iPod and Buzz kept me in check by stopping and sitting down like a mule here and there when he just had enough.

On our outing, i saw Sarah, a neighbor who is "running disordered" (i think i just made that up) and runs too much with another friend of mine from town. They spend all their time and energy prepping and running marathons all over the country - but complain that they never have time to do anything fun in their lives and are only ever thinking about the next "burn". Those are the people i've had to really cut out of my life. Living in a wealthy town where most of the women (other moms) don't work - the focus is almost always on their bodies. The latest hot yoga class they took, the new diet they are on, their new trainer/gym/workout, etc. I've really lessened my time and conversations with them and most don't know i've had ED in my life for nearly 30 years. Anyway, as I passed Sarah jogging, i suddenly felt insecure. She's sooooooo thin and i'm not anymore. I've had very bad body image lately and have been just trying to tone up with moderate exercise and not using any of the disordered dieting that has been my crutch and resolve all my life. god, it's sooooo f'ing hard. i've even had to start writing a food journal again, for my fear of eating too much or too little. I know this is a good thing, that I'm using the methods and coping skills i've been taught by my team...but its still so mentally devastating at times to just live with this disease and feel almost helpless (even though i'm not) against it.

blecht.

Plus i'm going home to see my family on the west coast in about 2 weeks. there is definitely part of me (ED) begging to drop some pounds before i go. i'm afraid of being judged for being bigger than i was when i saw them last, which was 3 mos before i was admitted to the hospital. Realistically i know that i'm not THAT much bigger than i was then, maybe a size and a half...but knowing how my family operates, i'm hesitant and feeling quite insecure. But, being aware and preparing for it mentally is half the battle - and i am truly doing it for my kiddos - so they can see their grandparents, aunts and uncles. I just have to remember that.

Be well, be happy and live in your moment!
xoxo t