Hot and bothered....

Yep, got to 102 here today. BRUTAL man. I did 3 loads of wash and hung them on the clothes line to dry. Good day for that - but even just hanging the wash and taking it down and folding it into the basket...the sweat would drip from my forehead and sting my eyes. Icky.

My day was weird too. I'm definitely not in the same happy place i was a couple of days ago. And i had such a great weekend. Just when i really felt like i was getting my groove on too. I didn't have to work today at the office - which was nice, as i had so much to get done around here. Then something small, but meaningful to me, kind of put me in the "off" position.

As you guys know from all my blogging over the past several years - my first response to any kind of emotional conflict was to use ED behaviors. Well, it's not that i'm without slips...for i do still slip at times. But i am learning to give myself time to digest my feelings better. Numbing out was always my knee-jerk reaction before. Then there is no need to sit with your emotions, try to figure out why they make you feel the way they do. And gauge your reactions. For the most part, this is a good thing. Although i loathe that i am just now truly learning how to feel sadness, disappointment, confusion, anger, etc...it's a very good thing to see that i am making progress.

And i'm finding that i clean like a banshee when i choose not to hang with ED. (do banshees clean? ) Anyway....i wanted to give myself some credit. I have some very conflicting emotions in my head and in my heart....and its hard for me to sit with that. But often, the best gift anyone can get is time. Time is my friend. And so here i am...sitting in my kitchen, looking out my window to my (nearly crispy) garden (we have mandatory water restrictions!) wondering and wishing.

and feeling minimally proud of myself.
and knowing that i am a totally kick ass girl and that i deserve only the best in every part of my life.
and so it shall be.
(i hope...says the lil girl)

Last weekend....

It was all about my husband - and we had a fabulous time. His birthday - the same day as Menard's (whom i didn't send b-day greeting's until yesterday when we talked and he reminded me....sorry darlin' ). Friday he played poker with his friends and won a teeny bit 'o money. Saturday the kiddos and i took him to King Tut in the city and we had a grand time! Then when we got back home in the evening, the sitter came over and we went to a show at The Pony with friends and then out for dinner and drinks. And yesterday, he and my son went to the Yankees game with friends of ours and he had a blast and my daughter and i went for pedicures together - and at age 9 she was tickled pink to get her first "real" peddie and the woman even painted pretty flowers on her big toes. Then we came home and BBQ'd once the "manly men" returned home. It was a fabulous day. And my husband and I are getting along splendidly at the moment, which feels really, really good. *sigh*

This week will be fun too - as i've got Pearl Jam & Band of Horses on Friday, Molly Hatchet & Blackberry Smoke on Saturday in Lawn-guy Land & Alice -n-Chains w/Stone Temple Pilots on Sunday at an outdoor event in Philly. Yay....how blessed am i?

And mercury is out of retrograde....and i'll be 42 in less than two weeks. And i'm healthy in my recovery for eating disorders. Working hard at it everyday and trying to work on positive and healthy physical activities and work-outs so i can grow even stronger and sexier and more confident about my physical self (which is my greatest source of disordered behavior). In fact, my friend (a fellow hippie chick who makes me look like Ann Coulter in hippy comparison) has gotten really fit from Hula Hooping...using weighted hoops. So I really want to get one for me - maybe a birfday present - and try doing that. I'd imagine me hooping outside in the sunshine every morning in the summer would be a great way to start the day! How can one NOT smile when they are hula hooping, right?

Well, i want more coffee and have vowed not to make any until AFTER i excercise today. So, i'm heading out into the sunshine for a walk/run with my doggie. I hope you have a fabulous week and that everyone's frowns are being turned upside down lately.

Sending the love to ya....xoxo

A great week

Its been a really great week for me controlling ED, rather than the other way around. i've been exercising moderately (45-50 min) 4 times a week or so...a bit of cardio but more strength training to tone up. it definitely makes me feel stronger and have better body image. Plus the endorphins alone are worth it for me. I just feel so much happier when i am using my body in such a positive way. The key is moderation for me....with everything i guess. LOL

i organized a show last night that went quite well and although no real money was made - but a lot of new connections and friendships were cultivated, which is always good! So yay for us.

My support group meeting was good this week. Some really amazing people in my group and such unconditional love and support! I feel very blessed to be a part of them. A new woman joined us this week, and she's just embarked on her road to recovery. Ugh, such a hard time the beginning is. Realizing that what you consider your best friend and salvation is actually trying to kill you...that's a tough thing to accept. A year and a half into my recovery and i still totally have the days i want to go back. The days i CHOOSE to slip and regress. But i always get up, dust myself off and start over - because living in your disorder is truly living in HELL. I can't believe i did it for so long. And that saying that even your worst day in recovery is better than your best day in your disorder....god, nothing could be more true. I mean, yeah...ED tries (and is still sometimes successful) convincing me that living on the dark side is bliss. And that's when the addiction part is so evident to me. How would anyone willfully CHOOSE to starve, hurt, ache, self-abuse and mentally torture oneself? The only way you can possibly give into such masochism is via an addiction or disease. There is no other logical way - unless we're just plain kooky - which of course may be slightly valid as well! Hahahaha.

Anyway, the silver lining in all of this is that in my journey of recovery - i have met some of the most amazing men and women on Earth. The tiniest of bodies carrying the strongest of wills. So much bravery, heart and moxie that i never would have met in different walks of life - if it hadn't been for our EDs. So for that i am thankful. If you haven't met those kinds of people yet in your life, reach out...they are there. Those kinds of connections in friendship, i believe, are sprinkled around us by God/the Universe and are the little sparkly easter eggs we find when we need them most. But you have to be open and receptive and willing to share too - and you'll be pleasantly surprised by the lessons you learn from each other. It's quite beautiful when you discover new blessings in your life and you become overtly grateful for them. When this happens, even in the simplest of matters, life gives you more goodness. It is law. So just try it - i promise you'll be greatly rewarded.

And so i begin my weekend steeped in love. I am loved and i love myself. I am taking care of me instead of sabotaging myself - inside and out. The more i practice self love and trust in my recovery - the more i will be able to trust myself...which will beautifully spill over into every other part of my life. And i am so happy to be able to recognize how much i deserve that now.

And so do you. So start (or restart even) today! Right this minute.
Happy weekend!

Zombie Day

Shitty ass Easter.
Shitty ass couple of weeks.
In a very dark place. Struggling, slipping, crying too much.
Doubting my self, my worth, my body, my strength, my sex appeal, my ability to control my own happiness.
Finding it hard to like me at the moment. Abandonment issues in full force. Lack of trust in humanity and myself in full force. Wondering what to do now.
Comforted by knowing that Jesus was a zombie.
i feel like a zombie at the moment.

A poignant Beastie Boys quote....for real.

“The true key is a trust in self. For when I trust myself, I fear no one else. I took control of my life, just as anyone can. I want everyone to see it's in the palm of your hand. The past is gone, the future yet unborn. But right here and now is where it all goes on.” - Beastie Boys

Isolation

...always a user's best friend. i know. i've done it. i've actually been called out on it this week by two friends with whom i'm really close. i feel boundaries slipping. excuses being made in my head. Easy to connect the dots once you know. But to those who don't....its mysterious or aloof or whatever. the cycles all swirl together at times in our minds...an unbreakable cycle when you commit to it. my friends have been relentlessly and lovingly checking on me this week. pushing me into social situations and away from my desire to isolate and hide.

I went to a wake yesterday for the death of an alcoholic friend. 39 y/o. Some people thought he was the life of the party, fun crazy guy. Other's considered him a total jerk who didn't even have a clue how good he had it and just chose to throw it all away. And i can feel some of that anger coming out now that he's gone. Like...how could he CHOOSE to live that way - how can any drunk/drug addict/disordered soul? How dare they choose to ruin their good lives and the lives of everyone they love? But one cannot look at it that way, because, simply stated...it's a real illness. There is very little choice involved. Being a former slave to my addiction, I totally GET that. The compulsions and needs are soooo strong and soooo well ingrained that you willingly hurt yourself because you can't deny yourself the escape. It's your sole coping mechanism, usually. So dealing with emotions and life on your own, just becomes impossible. And even with help, its so rare that one succeeds in this battle. And this was honestly the 3rd person in my life that i've lost because of addiction. One was to heroin, the second was to anorexia and cocaine and now alcoholism. Of course, depression was existent in all three cases as well. It always is though. And all three well intentioned people left small children parentless. That's the really tragic part. But the disease is so strong that at some point in one's indoctrination - the body, mind and soul are so emmeshed with the illness, depression and dependence that there is no resurrection. No salvation. Only surrender. Only darkness, no light.

And even with those significant examples of losses in my life, first hand, i am still struggling with knowing that i too still want to take the easy road so often. I long for it. A break, some relief. That "fix" that will numb me out and allow me to be free of the moment, even if just for 5 minutes. Often i don't even understand why it is that i want that, or conversely, even why i shouldn't. And often i fight it and take the higher road. But sometimes i can't. Or won't? i feel ashamed. and desperate. i want so much to be well...to be happy and secure and "normal". But i also feel broken beyond repair most of the time, and wonder when or if i'll ever be normal. And how i'll get there...and "what now"?

There are so many "right" things to do. So much beauty and love and wonder in the world, and in my life. I'm blessed. I truly am. And as blessed as i am to have so much support and so many who truly love me, I still struggle with my demons. And although i give you a smile and make you laugh and let you know i'm okay, even GREAT....there is always, always an underlying feeling of doubt inside me. Doubt i can do it. Doubt i can trust you. Doubt i will ever be able to feel adequate, or pretty or worthy. It's a terrible disease, addiction. So try not to hate the ones you know who struggle with it. Try and help them and love them and support them to get well. Don't judge or justify. You'll never truly understand, but nor do you need to. Just love. It's the only way. xoxo

Lost & Lonely

my husband is gone for 3 weeks. today is only the second day i am alone. my brain is struggling to stay right side up. obsession with food and eating has already been going on for days. it's non-stop chatter in my mind. "don't eat, don't eat, don't eat" i keep hearing. you can drop a size by the time he gets back. he'll never notice. it'll be cool. slip - go ahead - you can jump right back on later.

fuck.
so fucking hard.
and i feel really lost. and lonely.
and alone.
even though i'm never actually alone.
even though i'd like to be for even one hour.
i want that control now. what goes in, what comes out. how much, how often, do my thighs look thinner? is my belly flatter? i am definitely prettier today. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
why does this have to suck so bad?
please, i pray, help me get through this.
3 weeks is sooooo long :-(
i'm so scared.
grim.
feels really grim.